I thought you might like to know how i am getting on as it is now a month, maybe a bit longer since i was put on medication to treat my depression. I am happy to say i am feeling very well and the medication is more than doing it's job. In fact it has been the best part of over a year since i felt so contented and not feeling those awful horribile clouds of depression dragging me down. What a wonderful feeling it is to be finally free of it all and to have some happiness again. That is so important. When i look back over the year, certaintly since Febuary 2009 i realise now how ill i really was with the depression. It was a gradual decline and very nearly got the better of me on several occasions in the latter half of 2009 and in January 2010 when i came very close to checking out of Hotel Planet Earth. No laughing matter and very frigtening indeed. Especially when you have a sudden rush to jump in front of a train or jumping of the platform and walking into a tunnel. God knows how i got the will power to stop myself but it was too damned close on occasions. All that is behind me now. I am currently very happy with having such wonderful friends who have supported me throughout some difficult times and have helped me recover in the long walk back towards the light and leaving the darkness behind. I cannot forget the kindness and friendship i have been given and i feel very honoured, privelledged and very lucky to have such wonderful friends. As to my life in general, well someone said to me recently during a conversation " it was meant to be". We were talking of something entirely different but it moved me profoundly and i will never forget that conversation and observation as i had thought long and hard about this and i realise yes life is like a jigsaw, there is a purpose to one being here on this ball of rock, you just have to find the jigsaw pieces and aim to complete it and see the overall picture, a bit like a tapestry of life really. I have now seen a part of that bigger picture, the threads that have been in my life for a very long time which is now beginning to reveal themselves. There are many things i have yet to learn and understand, but it is very fulfilling to have sudden clarity to some of the things in my life and that can only be a good thing.
Anyway i wanted to dedicate this song/video to all my friends. I love Tina Arena, she is such a damn good singer and this particular song has very special significance to me and i have known this song for a very long time, but so very brilliantly and powefully sung by Tina Arena! For me this song is about friendship and the friends that stay with you when the going gets rough and will not abandon you even when you are at your lowest, about staying strong when the storm is raging around you and above all hope. I have listened to this song on my ipod in times of feeling very low and has kept me going and also in good times when i can also enjoy the song and enjoy in celebration.
I know that the snake that is my depression will inevitably come back and haunt me again even with the medication. I am sure of that, but i will deal with that when that occurs. But for now i am simply so very glad that i am feeling good and happy. I cant argue with that!
I am shaking and crying. Why does rebeccawilde hate me so much? I am thinking back on events of last night on the LJ Jeremy Brett Group. Why did brighter2 take the opprtunity to make a thinly veiled attack on me last night? And i knowrjdoll2 and nunewesen both hate me as well. Why the such intense hatred. I know they have all complained about how 2009 has really been a bad year for them, but have they ever stopped to think about how THEIR behaviour has so very very badly affected others? Im am convinced they are all lauging behind closed doors at me, and made all sorts of horrible and deeply offensive remarks about me and probably others as well. It is their clear HATRED and vindictiveness that is tearing me apart . They claim they know what and who true friendship is . I dont think they have a fucking clue and it has shown in their behaviour this year.
What can i do to show them all that i dont hate them, that i care for Rebecca and Susa so very very much. I wish they could see how their actions and behaviour is tearing me apart. Dawn and i sorted out our differences this year and we have a better and much closer understanding of each other. Part of being a friend is forgiving each other for their misatakes and moving on. I have tried so many times to apologise to them, receiving no apology in return, I have tried to explain events from my point of view, discussing my serious battle with depression, and what Rebecca and Amanda did last night on the LJ JB Group has now triggered that depression, i can feel that fucking snake rearing it's head again. I am shaking as i wriote this, knowing that i am going to be battling this as i face 2010. Why do they continue to hurt me so much? Does not Rebecca and Susa realisle that i loved them like the sisters i never had. Do they have any concept of what that means? If i did not care about them i would not be sitting here in tears and my whole body shaking because of their actions. I would say to myself fuck the fucking lot of you and rot in hell. But i dont , because i care about them. I guess i am up against fighting not them as people, but the many many demons that overtake them and make them into somehting that they are not. Underneath all the hatred, all the spite, all the vindictveness, they are fundamentally good people. I saw that at first hand when Rebecca and Susa came to stay. God i trusted them so much. But the real tradegy in all of this that they let their demons and illnesses blind them and turned it into hate. and they projected that on to me, Judi, Holmes 221B and Medcat.
Why is life so cruel, why all the pain, why all the spitefulness and hatred. Why cant we forgive, and move on and in doing so heal the pain? Dawn and i did that. Why cant they? I truly loved them, particularly Susa and Rebecca so very very very much. I saw so much of myself in them, but more than that i loved them, as people, funny, insightful, creative, damned clever, extremely talented and such determination to overcome advertisy against all odds.
I cant write anymore, the tears are blurring the screen. It will take me many many years to heal the damage they have caused me. Thank God i have friends online. at home and at work who will help me heal, who knows everything that has gone on and knew how much i loved them. If i did not have them, i think tonight there is a very real danger of me walking down to the beach, and taking a long swim and not comming back. I have to fight this new black cloud that is now decending on me.
I still offer my hand of friendship to you all. I dont hate you. I just want things to be put right, to heal and give healing. I want us to be friends. But i guess you are all too full of hatred for that. I will be waiting, and will welcome you back with open arms and many tears if one day a miracle does occur and you come back.
I have had such a lovely day. Spent much of it watching ALL of Rebecca !!! What a lovely series adaption of the book that is. Jeremy is simply stunning. And what a surprising ending too. Poor Max De Winter. But what superb acting from Jeremy !! His eyes, oh my God his eyes. He was soooo expressive with them !! And he was so very handsome. But my oh my his acting was superb !!! I am so pleased to have Rebecca in my collection. And i really do have rjdoll2 to thank for that.
However i have been thinking about Jeremy today and what he means to me. Now more than ever i feel him close to me. Why is that? Well i know the reason. I first saw him on tv in 1984 when he did Sherlock Holmes. He was so good and had a magnetic prescene. I could go on for hours about that. But there was something about him that reached out to me. No other actor or famous person has ever had that effect on me. Ever. And then a few years later, outside Wydhams i learnt the reason why. My Mother had obviously met him in the distant past, late 1950's early 1960s that sort of time. And then i went to University, and my life concentrated on exams, studying, and yet more exams. But i never ever forgot Jeremy, he was with me, just at the back of my mind whilst i got on with the business of learnign about life and the wider world.
After my Mother died that changed. Slowly Jeremy came back to awareness to me. It took me five long years just to get over the grieving stage of my Mother's death, but Jeremy was with me. So much so that in August 2007 for the first time i lit a candle for Jeremy alongside my Mother's. And i prayed for him, and i mean really prayed. I asked God if He could arrange for Jeremy and Mummy to meet as i just knew they would be really good friends. And i hoped and prayed for a sign of something, anything that would confirm this had happened. A year went by, and then i found Sherlock Holmes on sale in HMV. I cried when i bought that. i was bringing Jeremy home. And spent two full days watching it back to back. And then August 2008 i was feeling very depressed and low and again i prayed for Jeremy when lighting a candle for them both. I was thinking back then of ending my life. I was battling depression once more. My secret battle which i had hidden from the world for so long. It was at this point that i thought very few people remembered Jeremy and one day feeling very low indeed i typed in Jeremy's name and to my amazement found some wonderfully moving tribute videos to Jeremy. One in particular by rjdoll2 broke me down in tears completely after i watched it and i cried for hours. It struck a chord with me. I cried for Jeremy, i cried for Mummy. You see on that day i had been to the Cathedral and lit a candle for both of them. Here it is below.
As regular followers of my LJ will know, after that i met the Musketeers, and felt very close two people whom i saw so much of myself in. I cared for them deeply and regarded them as sisters. Sadly that has all gone now but i still care for them so very much. Everytime i think of them now i just cry and break down in tears. I love them so much. I had NEVER let anyone get so close to me, for me to let my wall down so completely. I will still welcome them all back as friends without arguement. I have forgiven them. I did so long ago.
But people have been and gone in my life before. But i know Jeremy will never abandon me. I know he was with me today in spirit and i know he has visited in my dreams. Both Jeremy and my Mother actually. So Jeremy, today i lit a candle for you. You will always be in my thoughts and i thank you for being a friend and supporting me even when i was on the brink of ending my own life on a number of occassions since 2002 and prior to that as well. I know you were with me when i finally took the step of revealing to the world about my long battle against depression. You stood by me when others accused me of lying and making it up. Jeremy you have never abandoned me. When i had the blade on my wrist you stared at me and told me to stay. I wont forget that. And i looked at you and thought how could i ever insult both you and my Mother by taking my own life when you fought so very very hard to live. So i decided to stay. Thank you for that.
I often wonder when it is my time to go if i will meet you in the afterlife. I certaintly hope so. I want to thank you myself for all that you have done for me Jeremy. I hope you will be with my parents and my Grandfather when i do discover the Undiscovered Country. I just wish there was more i could do for you. I will visit you again at Clapham next year hopefully in March. I wish it was not so expensive travelling down to see you. I need to save up. Clapham is now one of my three spirtual homes now. I felt you with me on September 11th when i sat and wrote your poem. (and drank the champange!!) It was a wonderful afternoon, despite being unable to walk, i really should have gone to hospital as i really was in a bad way with that foot. How the devil i managed to reach the Bandstand at all is well something i never will understand. All i know was that i was in pain, barely able to walk and close to tears because of it. But i bit down my agony for you. And only for you. I would not do it for anyone else.
So Jeremy, i dedicate this entry to you. You are truly my compass and lantern in this horrible world. You are my rock, my anchor and my Guide. Merry Christmas Jeremy. As i write this, my heart aches and i have tears in my eyes. But i just had to write to you and tell you just how much you mean to me, and always will.
I am full of champange !!!! I have had a very relaxing day though to be honest i am fighting off the depression. Had my first brief suicidal thought today which i had not expected, but it was only for a few moments. And i broke down in tears in the bath earlier on this evening. The triggers are missing my Mother especially this time of the year and now i am missing Grandfather too. I am also missing Susa and Rebecca very much as well. And i am thinking of Jeremy too. I guess the tears had to come. It is just all too painful to hold it all in, you know.
But i am battling this blasted thing, and overall i have had a good day. Enjoyed the food shopping and this afternoon i had some fresh Salmon with dill sauce which is a favourite of mine, and later had some tidbits and of course plenty of champange. I watched The Snowman, Three Men and A Baby, Carols From Kings and the Ian Hart version of Hound of The Baskervilles. Tomorrow i will be watching Jeremy, saving him for Christmas Day, i will be on my own so Christmas with Jeremy sounds good to me !! :) I cant think of anything or anyone better !! :)
Anyway i want to wish all my friends a very Merry Christmas and New Year. And if you dont celebrate Christmas, then i wish you the best of health and a very peaceful 2010 ! It has been lovely meeting new friends and enjoying the company of existing ones. To all my friends, past and present i raise my champange glass to you and say thank you for being in my life. I love you all. :) And thank you to Jeremy, who has been with me and has been with me when i was at my very lowest and also celebrated with me in happy times as well. Without Jeremy i would be sailing a very rough sea indeed. He is my compass and lantern and the light guiding me home :)
In my naivety i tried to friend wildeaboutjb aka Rebecca tonight as a christmas peace offering. I friended wildeaboutjb as a christmas peace offering, and yet she defriended me without even giving me a chance to prove my good intentions. I am left shaking and in tears over this. I am not given a chance to show that i can be peaceful in contributions and thoughts on Jeremy. I had hoped this would be a reconcilliation of sorts. i am in tears now. I was willing to try and show that tonight as a Christmas peace offering. I It was a genuine one and made in the spirit of Christmas and friendship. But now it seems i cant even talk about Jeremy. I am really shaking and crying now. I thought Christmas was about forgiveness and reconcilliation as well as the time of giving. This really is like having a dagger thrust through my heart and the knife being twisted.
Oh Rebecca how i wish you could see in my heart how much i care about you and how much i regard you as a friend. I wish you could hear the prayers and see the candle i lit for you last month. I do not hate you. I am not a sociopath or anything like that. I just wanted to be a friend. I consider you a friend and i miss you so much. My heart is broken. You are not willing to forgive and yet i have forgiven you. Long ago. I dont want to fight, i dont want to go over past events. All want to do is just be a friend. Or at least talk about Jeremy at the very least.
I will not be able to sleep the rest of the night now as i will be breaking down in tears because this has hurt me so badly. If i did not care i would not be this upset. But i do care, very much so, and i am in tears that a simple peace offering had been cruelly rejected and torn to shreds and so close to Christmas too. I am not an evil person, but i am being made to look that way when in fact i am not evil, not nasty or anything like that. I just love people and i care about my friends. That is all.
I should try and sleep now, but it is very hard. My head says one thing, but my heart says something completely different. I am walking alone in this darkness. In this terible sea of pain and conflict of emotions. I miss my friends so very very much. Yes i still call them friends. I know they wont feel the same and that hurts me even more. I wish i could open up my soul for all to see and then you would understand.
Ok. As regular followers of my journal are aware there was a very bitter and nasty falling out of friends back in the autumn between myself, Susa, Rebecca, Jennifer and Amanda. Things were said on all sides and yet i was cast as the villian in all of this. For my part i have apologised to all of them for my part in this horrid horrid arguement in a joint e mail to all of them. I have recieved no apology in return except being called a stalker, psociopath, and of having antisocial personality disorder which is complete nonesense and so very far from the truth. Despite everything, i have forgiven them all because i believe it is important to forgive. I do have my llimits of course. But i can forgive the Musketeers for the pain they inflicted on me. And the emotional scars i now carry.
But i still care for them very much. I always will. Which brings me to my moral dilema. I want to send a Christmas card to them all and a small pressie especially for Susa and Rebecca. But i am afraid they would use that act of kindness and love to twist things once more and accuse me of stalking and God knows what else. But is it so bad, especially at this time of theyear, it being Christmas, to at least send an olive branch especially as Christmas is about foriveness and comming together. My heart aches with all of this. All i want to do is show that i care. But i fear all they will do is just hate me even more or use it as an excuse to make more accusations at me. Why do they hate me so much? I have apologised. Hell bent over backwardss on many occassions to do so. And yet i love them all so very very much. What do i do?
Now i am on the citalopram things have improved. The torrent of unwanted sucidal thoughts and images have diminished dramatically. I got the images so bad in June especially. It really did scare me, but again i could not discuss this with friends as i did not want to upset them, although i have been so very tempted to come out with them about it. And i was very close to doing so back then. But my depression got the better of me this year. So i sought medical help and i am very glad i did so. Now i am feeling alot better in myself. I am still not fully recovered, I broke down in tears this week remembering my Grandfather who died a year ago Nov 4th. And i will be forever greatful to Susa for her support during such a diificult night. I wont ever forget the kindness shown that night. And i have cried once a twice in the last month as well. But overall i am definetely recovering which i am thrilled about.
I dont know what the future holds. I know the depression will come back at some point. I have no doubt of that, but with the citalporam it should lessen the extent of the depression and depth of it. I guess you could call it a taming of the resident snake within me to a large extent. it will always be with me for the rest of my life, and i beleive it really started in my early teenage years, so i have had it most of my life. I am grateful and very lucky to have friends who have given me support, encouragement and have listened this year, and beleived in me. That is real friendship. I have forgiven those who accused me of lying about having depression. I would welcome them back as friends with no strings attached. I cannot forget of course, but i can move on. Like my close friend of 16 years and myself have done in the last month. We have forgiven each other after a row in the summer and have moved on. We value our friendship far too much to let it go. Hatred gets you nowhere and in the end only serves to destroy one's soul. Life is far too short for hatred. I would like to thank all those who have stood by me. You know who you are !! And of course without question i must also thank Jeremy, who i feel very close to now, having seen him in my dreams in the last few months regularly and spoken with him too. He has been with me since 1984 when i first saw him on tv back then. But since my Mother's death i have felt him come closer and closer to me, and now he is closer to me than i ever dared hope for. He is my Beacon and Compass, guiding me and supporting me as i find myself and reach for the light at the end of a dark tunnel. He is also my friend and mentor, the brother i never had. He is my anchor who will always be close to me until the end of my time on this plane of existence. I owe him much. His candle will always shine brightly in my heart. I have promised him that a real candle will be lit on his birthday, September 12th and at Christmas every year for the rest of my life. it is the least i can do in return for what he has done for me.
Title: A Tapestry of Life
Authors: Wirral Bagpuss and Med Cat
Word Count : 1, 983
Summary: Holmes is injured on a case and Watson is there to watch over him, but in doing so he finds out some unspoken fears Holmes has hidden for so long. Watson deals with the effects with much angst and woe !
Author's Note: Well this is a first collaboration beteween myself and med_cat ! We had alot of fun putting this story together and we hope you will have fun reading it !! Cross posted to Watson's Woes
A Tapestry of Life
( A Tapestry Of Life )