wirralbagpuss: (Happy Sherlock !!)

I am very pleased to announce that the video supporting the petition to give Jeremy his BAFTA has now been uploaded to You Tube

If you have not done so, please do support the petition and sign !! :) Thanks !!!
wirralbagpuss: (Backstage Jeremy)

 I am delighted to be able to announce that a new campaign has started to get Jeremy the BAFTA he so richly deserved. Please can you support the petititon to make this happen!


Alot of work going on behind the scenes so stay tuned for further updates :)

Lets work together to make this happen :)
wirralbagpuss: (JB)

I have had such a lovely day. Spent much of it watching ALL of Rebecca !!! What a lovely series adaption of the book that is. Jeremy is simply stunning. And what a surprising ending too. Poor Max De Winter. But what superb acting from Jeremy !! His eyes, oh my God his eyes. He was soooo expressive with them !! And he was so very handsome. But my oh my his acting was superb !!! I am so pleased to have Rebecca in my collection. And i really do have [livejournal.com profile] rjdoll2 to thank for that.
However i have been thinking about Jeremy today and what he means to me. Now more than ever i feel him close to me. Why is that? Well i know the reason. I first saw him on tv in 1984 when he did Sherlock Holmes. He was so good and had a magnetic prescene. I could go on for hours about that. But there was something about him that reached out to me. No other actor or famous person has ever had that effect on me. Ever. And then a few years later, outside Wydhams i learnt the reason why. My Mother had obviously met him in the distant past, late 1950's early 1960s that sort of time.  And then i went to University, and my life concentrated on exams, studying, and yet more exams. But i never ever forgot Jeremy, he was with me, just at the back of my mind whilst i got on with the business of learnign about life and the wider world.

After my Mother died that changed. Slowly Jeremy came back to awareness to me. It took me five long years just to get over the grieving stage of my Mother's death, but Jeremy was with me. So much so that in August 2007 for the first time i lit a candle for Jeremy alongside my Mother's. And i prayed for him, and i mean really prayed. I asked God if He could arrange for Jeremy and Mummy to meet as i just knew they would be really good friends. And i hoped and prayed for a sign of something, anything that would confirm this had happened. A year went by, and then i found Sherlock Holmes on sale in HMV. I cried when i bought that. i was bringing Jeremy home. And spent two full days watching it back to back. And then August 2008 i was feeling very depressed and low and again i prayed for Jeremy when lighting a candle for them both. I was thinking back then of ending my life. I was battling depression once more. My secret battle which i had hidden from the world for so long.  It was at this point that i thought very few people remembered Jeremy and one day feeling very low indeed i typed in Jeremy's name and to my amazement found some wonderfully moving tribute videos to Jeremy. One in particular by [livejournal.com profile] rjdoll2 broke me down in tears completely after i watched it and i cried for hours. It struck a chord with me. I cried for Jeremy, i cried for Mummy. You see on that day i had been to the Cathedral and lit a candle for both of them. Here it is below.

As regular followers  of my LJ will know, after that i met the Musketeers, and felt very close two people whom i saw so much of myself in. I cared for them deeply and regarded them as sisters. Sadly that has all gone now but i still care for them so very much. Everytime i think of them now i just cry and break down in tears. I love them so much.  I had NEVER let anyone get so close to me, for me to let my wall down so completely.  I will still welcome them all back as friends without arguement. I have forgiven them. I did so long ago.

But people have been and gone in my life before. But i know  Jeremy will never abandon me. I know he was with me today in spirit and i know he has visited in my dreams. Both Jeremy and my Mother actually. So Jeremy, today i lit a candle for you. You will always be in my thoughts and i thank you for being a friend and supporting me even when i was on the brink of ending my own life on  a number of occassions since 2002 and prior to that as well. I know you were with me when i finally took the step of revealing to the world about my long battle against depression. You stood by me when others accused me of lying and making it up. Jeremy you have never abandoned me. When i had the blade on my wrist you stared at me and told me to stay. I wont forget that. And i looked at you and thought how could i ever insult both you and my Mother by taking my own life when you fought so very very hard to live. So i decided to stay. Thank you for that.

I often wonder when it is my time to go if i will meet you in the afterlife. I certaintly hope so. I want to thank you myself for all that you have done for me Jeremy. I hope you will be with my parents and my Grandfather when i do discover the Undiscovered Country. I just wish there was more i could do for you.   I will visit you again at Clapham next year hopefully in March. I wish it was not so expensive travelling down to see you. I need to save up. Clapham is now one of my three spirtual homes now. I felt you with me on September 11th when i sat and wrote your poem. (and drank the champange!!) It was a wonderful afternoon, despite being unable to walk, i really should have gone to hospital as i really was in a bad way with that foot. How the devil i managed to reach the Bandstand at all is well something i never will understand. All i know was that i was in pain, barely able to walk and close to tears because of it. But i bit down my agony for you. And only for you. I would not do it for anyone else. 

So Jeremy, i dedicate this entry to you. You are truly my compass and lantern in this horrible world. You are my rock, my anchor and my Guide. Merry Christmas Jeremy. As i write this, my heart aches and i have tears in my eyes. But i just had to write to you and tell you just how much you mean to me, and always will. 
wirralbagpuss: (JB)
The birthday celebrations are starting and i am indulging in a bottle of wine and enjoying myself, and in the process getting sloshed. Dear me i will probably regret this entry tomorrow, but what the hell, i am feeling happy happy happy !! I just wanted to say how much i love everyone. You are all great friends and i have enjoyed getting to know you all. I also love Susa, and Rebecca as well. They are very much in my thoughts and prayers and i miss them so very very much. They mean the world to me. I love them like the sisters i never had. I want to hug them so much and tell them how much i miss them.  I also love Jennifer and Amanda as well. I love everyone. I enjoy life, i enjoy friendship, i enjoy giving my love to my friends. I love Judi, Medcat and Holmes221b as well. Between them they saved me from myself in October. Else i would not be here tonight getting slowly sloshed celebrating my 40th birthday.   Let me tell you a secret....I should not really be here at all. I should really have died a few days after i was born. Having a hole in one's heart is not a fun thing...but here is the clincher and my basis for my faith in God/Supreme Being/Creator.. the hole in the heart healed by itself. Now if that is not a miracle, can someone tell me what does constitue a miracle?? I still have a heart mumur though and that caused the surgeons to panic when i had my knee op a few years back when i was under !! Ooops !! I bet my NHS records are up to date now !!! LOL !! Anyway just wanted everyone to know including the Musketeers how much i love you and will wake up tomorrow feeling rather sheepish looking back at tonights entry thinking oh dear i was sloshed. But dammit, life is to short and i wanted to let everyone know what i felt. I dont think that is anything to be ashamed of. So i raise my glass to you all, and yes that does include you Susa and Rebecca, and Jennifer and Amanda. I want to say thank you and thank you for being in my life and giving me so much happiness. And above all thank you Jeremy for being my compass and lantern. I owe you so very very much. Merry Christmas everyone and i hope you have a lovely New Year. Love you all !!! :)
wirralbagpuss: (Bandstand)

In my naivety i tried to friend [livejournal.com profile] wildeaboutjb aka Rebecca tonight as a christmas peace offering. I friended wildeaboutjb as a christmas peace offering, and yet she defriended me without even giving me a chance to prove my good intentions. I am left shaking and in tears over this. I am not given a chance to show that i can be peaceful in contributions and thoughts on Jeremy. I had hoped this would be a reconcilliation of sorts. i am in tears now. I was willing to try and show that tonight as a Christmas peace offering. I It was a genuine one and made in the spirit of Christmas and friendship. But now it seems i cant even talk about Jeremy. I am really shaking and crying now. I thought Christmas was about forgiveness and reconcilliation as well as the time of giving. This really is like having a dagger thrust through my heart and the knife being twisted.
Oh Rebecca how i wish you could see in my heart how much i care about you and how much i regard you as a friend. I wish you could hear the prayers and see the candle i lit for you last month. I do not hate you. I am not a sociopath or anything like that. I just wanted to be a friend. I consider you a friend and i miss you so much. My heart is broken. You are not willing to forgive and yet i have forgiven you. Long ago. I dont want to fight, i dont want to go over past events. All want to do is just be a friend. Or at least talk about Jeremy at the very least.
I will not be able to sleep the rest of the night now as i will be breaking down in tears because this has hurt me so badly. If i did not care i would not be this upset. But i do care, very much so, and i am in tears that a simple peace offering had been cruelly rejected and torn to shreds and so close to Christmas too. I am not an evil person, but i am being made to look that way when in fact i am not evil, not nasty or anything like that. I just love people and i care about my friends. That is all.


Nov. 6th, 2009 08:04 pm
wirralbagpuss: (JB)
Since comming out about my depression a few weeks ago, i thought i would update anyone reaing this about how i am getting on. The answer is i am recovering from my worst depressive attack/illness since the last major one in 2005. This year has been very difficult for so many reasons. But with the help and support of friends i have just about come through it. Deciding to face my depression and seek medical help was one of the hardest but also best things i could do for myself. For too many years i have baatled this alone. Noone knew about my depression, i could not tell anyone, through fear, fear of being ashamed about it, fear of upsetting and hurting my friends in revealing my very personal and private war with the snake that i carry within me, especially to those friends who have problems of their own and i did not want to burden them with mine and hurt them by doing so. So i hide it from the world.
  Now i am on the citalopram things have improved. The torrent of unwanted sucidal thoughts and images have diminished dramatically. I got the images so bad in June especially. It really did scare me, but again i could not discuss this with friends as i did not want to upset them, although i have been so very tempted to come out with them about it. And i was very close to doing so back then. But my depression got the better of me this year. So i sought medical help and i am very glad i did so. Now i am feeling alot better in myself. I am still not fully recovered, I broke down in tears this week remembering my Grandfather who died a year ago Nov 4th. And i will be forever greatful to Susa for her support during such a diificult night.  I wont ever forget the kindness shown that night. And i have cried once a twice in the last month as well. But overall i am definetely recovering which i am thrilled about.
  I dont know what the future holds. I know the depression will come back at some point. I have no doubt of that, but with the citalporam it should lessen the extent of the depression and depth of it. I guess you could call it a taming of the resident snake within me to a large extent. it will always be with me for the rest of my life, and i beleive it really started in my early teenage years, so i have had it most of my life. I am grateful and very lucky to have friends who have given me support, encouragement and have listened this year, and beleived in me. That is real friendship. I have forgiven those who accused me of lying about having depression. I would welcome them back as friends with no strings attached. I cannot forget of course, but i can move on. Like my close friend of 16 years and myself have done in the last month. We have forgiven each other after a row in the summer and have moved on. We value our friendship far too much to let it go. Hatred gets you nowhere and in the end only serves to destroy one's soul. Life is far too short for hatred.  I would like to thank all those who have stood by me. You know who you are !! And of course without question i must also thank Jeremy, who i feel very close to now, having seen him in my dreams in the last few months regularly and spoken with him too. He has been with me since 1984 when i first saw him on tv back then. But since my Mother's death i have felt him come closer and closer to me, and now he is closer to me than i ever dared hope for. He is my Beacon and Compass, guiding me and supporting me as i find myself and reach for the light at the end of a dark tunnel. He is also my friend and mentor, the brother i never had. He is my anchor who will always be close to me until the end of my time on this plane of existence. I owe him much.  His candle will always shine brightly in my heart. I have promised him that a real candle will be lit on his birthday, September 12th and at Christmas every year for the rest of my life. it is the least i can do in return for what he has done for me.


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