wirralbagpuss: (JB)

I have had such a lovely day. Spent much of it watching ALL of Rebecca !!! What a lovely series adaption of the book that is. Jeremy is simply stunning. And what a surprising ending too. Poor Max De Winter. But what superb acting from Jeremy !! His eyes, oh my God his eyes. He was soooo expressive with them !! And he was so very handsome. But my oh my his acting was superb !!! I am so pleased to have Rebecca in my collection. And i really do have [livejournal.com profile] rjdoll2 to thank for that.
 
However i have been thinking about Jeremy today and what he means to me. Now more than ever i feel him close to me. Why is that? Well i know the reason. I first saw him on tv in 1984 when he did Sherlock Holmes. He was so good and had a magnetic prescene. I could go on for hours about that. But there was something about him that reached out to me. No other actor or famous person has ever had that effect on me. Ever. And then a few years later, outside Wydhams i learnt the reason why. My Mother had obviously met him in the distant past, late 1950's early 1960s that sort of time.  And then i went to University, and my life concentrated on exams, studying, and yet more exams. But i never ever forgot Jeremy, he was with me, just at the back of my mind whilst i got on with the business of learnign about life and the wider world.

After my Mother died that changed. Slowly Jeremy came back to awareness to me. It took me five long years just to get over the grieving stage of my Mother's death, but Jeremy was with me. So much so that in August 2007 for the first time i lit a candle for Jeremy alongside my Mother's. And i prayed for him, and i mean really prayed. I asked God if He could arrange for Jeremy and Mummy to meet as i just knew they would be really good friends. And i hoped and prayed for a sign of something, anything that would confirm this had happened. A year went by, and then i found Sherlock Holmes on sale in HMV. I cried when i bought that. i was bringing Jeremy home. And spent two full days watching it back to back. And then August 2008 i was feeling very depressed and low and again i prayed for Jeremy when lighting a candle for them both. I was thinking back then of ending my life. I was battling depression once more. My secret battle which i had hidden from the world for so long.  It was at this point that i thought very few people remembered Jeremy and one day feeling very low indeed i typed in Jeremy's name and to my amazement found some wonderfully moving tribute videos to Jeremy. One in particular by [livejournal.com profile] rjdoll2 broke me down in tears completely after i watched it and i cried for hours. It struck a chord with me. I cried for Jeremy, i cried for Mummy. You see on that day i had been to the Cathedral and lit a candle for both of them. Here it is below.




As regular followers  of my LJ will know, after that i met the Musketeers, and felt very close two people whom i saw so much of myself in. I cared for them deeply and regarded them as sisters. Sadly that has all gone now but i still care for them so very much. Everytime i think of them now i just cry and break down in tears. I love them so much.  I had NEVER let anyone get so close to me, for me to let my wall down so completely.  I will still welcome them all back as friends without arguement. I have forgiven them. I did so long ago.

But people have been and gone in my life before. But i know  Jeremy will never abandon me. I know he was with me today in spirit and i know he has visited in my dreams. Both Jeremy and my Mother actually. So Jeremy, today i lit a candle for you. You will always be in my thoughts and i thank you for being a friend and supporting me even when i was on the brink of ending my own life on  a number of occassions since 2002 and prior to that as well. I know you were with me when i finally took the step of revealing to the world about my long battle against depression. You stood by me when others accused me of lying and making it up. Jeremy you have never abandoned me. When i had the blade on my wrist you stared at me and told me to stay. I wont forget that. And i looked at you and thought how could i ever insult both you and my Mother by taking my own life when you fought so very very hard to live. So i decided to stay. Thank you for that.

I often wonder when it is my time to go if i will meet you in the afterlife. I certaintly hope so. I want to thank you myself for all that you have done for me Jeremy. I hope you will be with my parents and my Grandfather when i do discover the Undiscovered Country. I just wish there was more i could do for you.   I will visit you again at Clapham next year hopefully in March. I wish it was not so expensive travelling down to see you. I need to save up. Clapham is now one of my three spirtual homes now. I felt you with me on September 11th when i sat and wrote your poem. (and drank the champange!!) It was a wonderful afternoon, despite being unable to walk, i really should have gone to hospital as i really was in a bad way with that foot. How the devil i managed to reach the Bandstand at all is well something i never will understand. All i know was that i was in pain, barely able to walk and close to tears because of it. But i bit down my agony for you. And only for you. I would not do it for anyone else. 

So Jeremy, i dedicate this entry to you. You are truly my compass and lantern in this horrible world. You are my rock, my anchor and my Guide. Merry Christmas Jeremy. As i write this, my heart aches and i have tears in my eyes. But i just had to write to you and tell you just how much you mean to me, and always will. 
wirralbagpuss: (JB)
The birthday celebrations are starting and i am indulging in a bottle of wine and enjoying myself, and in the process getting sloshed. Dear me i will probably regret this entry tomorrow, but what the hell, i am feeling happy happy happy !! I just wanted to say how much i love everyone. You are all great friends and i have enjoyed getting to know you all. I also love Susa, and Rebecca as well. They are very much in my thoughts and prayers and i miss them so very very much. They mean the world to me. I love them like the sisters i never had. I want to hug them so much and tell them how much i miss them.  I also love Jennifer and Amanda as well. I love everyone. I enjoy life, i enjoy friendship, i enjoy giving my love to my friends. I love Judi, Medcat and Holmes221b as well. Between them they saved me from myself in October. Else i would not be here tonight getting slowly sloshed celebrating my 40th birthday.   Let me tell you a secret....I should not really be here at all. I should really have died a few days after i was born. Having a hole in one's heart is not a fun thing...but here is the clincher and my basis for my faith in God/Supreme Being/Creator.. the hole in the heart healed by itself. Now if that is not a miracle, can someone tell me what does constitue a miracle?? I still have a heart mumur though and that caused the surgeons to panic when i had my knee op a few years back when i was under !! Ooops !! I bet my NHS records are up to date now !!! LOL !! Anyway just wanted everyone to know including the Musketeers how much i love you and will wake up tomorrow feeling rather sheepish looking back at tonights entry thinking oh dear i was sloshed. But dammit, life is to short and i wanted to let everyone know what i felt. I dont think that is anything to be ashamed of. So i raise my glass to you all, and yes that does include you Susa and Rebecca, and Jennifer and Amanda. I want to say thank you and thank you for being in my life and giving me so much happiness. And above all thank you Jeremy for being my compass and lantern. I owe you so very very much. Merry Christmas everyone and i hope you have a lovely New Year. Love you all !!! :)
wirralbagpuss: (Default)
I have to get this off my chest and yes it is a public entry. I just need to put into words the ethical and moral dilema i am in right now. So anyone not wanting to read this look away now. But this is my journal and i started the joournal back in early 2005 as a means of coping with my grief and anger after my Mother died. And it has been very cathartic in that respect.
Ok. As regular followers of my journal are aware there was a very bitter and nasty falling out of friends back in the autumn between myself, Susa, Rebecca, Jennifer and Amanda. Things were said on all sides and yet i was cast as the villian in all of this. For my part i have apologised to all of them for my part in this horrid horrid arguement in a joint e mail to all of them. I have recieved no apology in return except being called a stalker, psociopath, and of having antisocial personality disorder which is complete nonesense and so very far from the truth. Despite everything, i have forgiven them all because i believe it is important to forgive. I do have my llimits of course. But i can forgive the Musketeers for the pain they inflicted on me. And the emotional scars i now carry.
But i still care for them very much. I always will. Which brings me to my moral dilema. I want to send a Christmas card to them all and a small pressie especially for Susa and Rebecca. But i am afraid they would use that act of kindness and love to twist things once more and accuse me of stalking and God knows what else. But is it so bad, especially at this time of theyear, it being Christmas, to at least send an olive branch especially as Christmas is about foriveness and comming together. My heart aches with all of this. All i want to do is show that i care. But i fear all they will do is just hate me even more or use it as an excuse to make more accusations at me. Why do they hate me so much? I have apologised. Hell bent over backwardss on many occassions to do so. And yet i love them all so very very much. What do i do?

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wirralbagpuss

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