I have had such a lovely day. Spent much of it watching ALL of Rebecca !!! What a lovely series adaption of the book that is. Jeremy is simply stunning. And what a surprising ending too. Poor Max De Winter. But what superb acting from Jeremy !! His eyes, oh my God his eyes. He was soooo expressive with them !! And he was so very handsome. But my oh my his acting was superb !!! I am so pleased to have Rebecca in my collection. And i really do have rjdoll2 to thank for that.
However i have been thinking about Jeremy today and what he means to me. Now more than ever i feel him close to me. Why is that? Well i know the reason. I first saw him on tv in 1984 when he did Sherlock Holmes. He was so good and had a magnetic prescene. I could go on for hours about that. But there was something about him that reached out to me. No other actor or famous person has ever had that effect on me. Ever. And then a few years later, outside Wydhams i learnt the reason why. My Mother had obviously met him in the distant past, late 1950's early 1960s that sort of time. And then i went to University, and my life concentrated on exams, studying, and yet more exams. But i never ever forgot Jeremy, he was with me, just at the back of my mind whilst i got on with the business of learnign about life and the wider world.
After my Mother died that changed. Slowly Jeremy came back to awareness to me. It took me five long years just to get over the grieving stage of my Mother's death, but Jeremy was with me. So much so that in August 2007 for the first time i lit a candle for Jeremy alongside my Mother's. And i prayed for him, and i mean really prayed. I asked God if He could arrange for Jeremy and Mummy to meet as i just knew they would be really good friends. And i hoped and prayed for a sign of something, anything that would confirm this had happened. A year went by, and then i found Sherlock Holmes on sale in HMV. I cried when i bought that. i was bringing Jeremy home. And spent two full days watching it back to back. And then August 2008 i was feeling very depressed and low and again i prayed for Jeremy when lighting a candle for them both. I was thinking back then of ending my life. I was battling depression once more. My secret battle which i had hidden from the world for so long. It was at this point that i thought very few people remembered Jeremy and one day feeling very low indeed i typed in Jeremy's name and to my amazement found some wonderfully moving tribute videos to Jeremy. One in particular by rjdoll2 broke me down in tears completely after i watched it and i cried for hours. It struck a chord with me. I cried for Jeremy, i cried for Mummy. You see on that day i had been to the Cathedral and lit a candle for both of them. Here it is below.
As regular followers of my LJ will know, after that i met the Musketeers, and felt very close two people whom i saw so much of myself in. I cared for them deeply and regarded them as sisters. Sadly that has all gone now but i still care for them so very much. Everytime i think of them now i just cry and break down in tears. I love them so much. I had NEVER let anyone get so close to me, for me to let my wall down so completely. I will still welcome them all back as friends without arguement. I have forgiven them. I did so long ago.
But people have been and gone in my life before. But i know Jeremy will never abandon me. I know he was with me today in spirit and i know he has visited in my dreams. Both Jeremy and my Mother actually. So Jeremy, today i lit a candle for you. You will always be in my thoughts and i thank you for being a friend and supporting me even when i was on the brink of ending my own life on a number of occassions since 2002 and prior to that as well. I know you were with me when i finally took the step of revealing to the world about my long battle against depression. You stood by me when others accused me of lying and making it up. Jeremy you have never abandoned me. When i had the blade on my wrist you stared at me and told me to stay. I wont forget that. And i looked at you and thought how could i ever insult both you and my Mother by taking my own life when you fought so very very hard to live. So i decided to stay. Thank you for that.
I often wonder when it is my time to go if i will meet you in the afterlife. I certaintly hope so. I want to thank you myself for all that you have done for me Jeremy. I hope you will be with my parents and my Grandfather when i do discover the Undiscovered Country. I just wish there was more i could do for you. I will visit you again at Clapham next year hopefully in March. I wish it was not so expensive travelling down to see you. I need to save up. Clapham is now one of my three spirtual homes now. I felt you with me on September 11th when i sat and wrote your poem. (and drank the champange!!) It was a wonderful afternoon, despite being unable to walk, i really should have gone to hospital as i really was in a bad way with that foot. How the devil i managed to reach the Bandstand at all is well something i never will understand. All i know was that i was in pain, barely able to walk and close to tears because of it. But i bit down my agony for you. And only for you. I would not do it for anyone else.
So Jeremy, i dedicate this entry to you. You are truly my compass and lantern in this horrible world. You are my rock, my anchor and my Guide. Merry Christmas Jeremy. As i write this, my heart aches and i have tears in my eyes. But i just had to write to you and tell you just how much you mean to me, and always will.