wirralbagpuss: (JB)

I am shaking and crying.  Why does [livejournal.com profile] rebeccawilde  hate me so much? I am thinking back on events of last night on the LJ Jeremy Brett Group. Why did [livejournal.com profile] brighter2 take the opprtunity to make a thinly veiled attack on me last night? And i know[livejournal.com profile] rjdoll2  and [livejournal.com profile] nunewesen  both hate me as well. Why the such intense hatred. I know they have all complained about how 2009 has really been a bad year for them, but have they ever stopped to think about how THEIR behaviour has so very very badly affected others?  Im am convinced they are all lauging behind closed doors at me, and made all sorts of horrible and deeply offensive remarks about me and probably others as well. It is their clear HATRED and vindictiveness that is tearing me apart .  They claim they know what and who true friendship is . I dont think they have a fucking clue and it has shown in their behaviour this year.

What can i do to show them all that i dont  hate them, that i care for Rebecca and Susa so very very much. I wish they could see how their actions and behaviour is tearing me apart.  Dawn and i sorted out our differences this year and we have a better and much closer understanding of each other. Part of being a friend is forgiving each other for their misatakes and moving on. I have tried so many times to apologise to them, receiving no apology in return, I have tried to explain events from my point of view, discussing my serious battle with depression, and what Rebecca and Amanda did last night on the LJ JB Group has now triggered that depression, i can feel that fucking snake rearing it's head again. I am shaking as i wriote this, knowing that i am going to be battling this as i face 2010. Why do they continue to hurt me so much? Does not Rebecca and Susa realisle that i loved them like the sisters i never had. Do they have any concept of what that means?  If i did not care about them i would not be sitting here in tears and my whole body shaking because of their actions. I would say to myself fuck the fucking lot of you and rot in hell. But i dont , because i care about them.  I guess i am up against fighting not them as people, but the many many demons that overtake them and make them into somehting that they are not. Underneath all the hatred, all the spite, all the vindictveness, they are fundamentally good people. I saw that at first hand when Rebecca and Susa came to stay. God i trusted them so much. But the real tradegy in all of this that they let their demons and illnesses blind them and turned it into hate. and they projected that on to me, Judi, Holmes 221B and Medcat.

Why is life so cruel, why all the pain, why all the spitefulness and hatred. Why cant we forgive,  and move on and in doing so heal the pain? Dawn and i did that. Why cant they? I truly loved them, particularly Susa and Rebecca so very very very much. I saw so much of myself in them, but more than that i loved them, as people, funny, insightful, creative, damned clever, extremely talented and such determination to overcome advertisy against all odds.

I cant write anymore, the tears are blurring the screen. It will take me many many years to heal the damage they have caused me. Thank God i have friends online. at home and at work who will help me heal, who knows everything that has gone on and knew how much i loved them.  If i did not have them, i think tonight there is a very real danger of me walking down to the beach, and taking  a long swim and not comming back.  I have to fight this new black cloud that is now decending on me.

I still offer my hand of friendship to you all. I dont hate you. I just want things to be put right, to heal and give healing. I want us to be friends. But i guess you are all too full of hatred for that. I will be waiting, and will welcome you back with open arms and many tears if one day a miracle does occur and you come back.

Swiss Army Knife is back and i had to fight back the urge to cut myself ...the blade is sharp. But i am fighting this.  Last night was definetely a trigger. My snake is back. I miss you all so very much. More than you can possiblly know or ever even understand. I loved you. And always will.
wirralbagpuss: (Default)
I have to get this off my chest and yes it is a public entry. I just need to put into words the ethical and moral dilema i am in right now. So anyone not wanting to read this look away now. But this is my journal and i started the joournal back in early 2005 as a means of coping with my grief and anger after my Mother died. And it has been very cathartic in that respect.
Ok. As regular followers of my journal are aware there was a very bitter and nasty falling out of friends back in the autumn between myself, Susa, Rebecca, Jennifer and Amanda. Things were said on all sides and yet i was cast as the villian in all of this. For my part i have apologised to all of them for my part in this horrid horrid arguement in a joint e mail to all of them. I have recieved no apology in return except being called a stalker, psociopath, and of having antisocial personality disorder which is complete nonesense and so very far from the truth. Despite everything, i have forgiven them all because i believe it is important to forgive. I do have my llimits of course. But i can forgive the Musketeers for the pain they inflicted on me. And the emotional scars i now carry.
But i still care for them very much. I always will. Which brings me to my moral dilema. I want to send a Christmas card to them all and a small pressie especially for Susa and Rebecca. But i am afraid they would use that act of kindness and love to twist things once more and accuse me of stalking and God knows what else. But is it so bad, especially at this time of theyear, it being Christmas, to at least send an olive branch especially as Christmas is about foriveness and comming together. My heart aches with all of this. All i want to do is show that i care. But i fear all they will do is just hate me even more or use it as an excuse to make more accusations at me. Why do they hate me so much? I have apologised. Hell bent over backwardss on many occassions to do so. And yet i love them all so very very much. What do i do?


wirralbagpuss: (Default)

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