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This is really annoying me now. When i am working i dont have time to notice it as i am so busy with dealing with the stress of my job, loads and loads of incomming calls, pressure to complete casework and reach targets and all that jazz. It is very exhausting. But when i had to leave work early today due to suddenly being taken ill as a result of PCOS, (and it was a very bad attack that left me in alot of pain which suprised me to be honest) i felt my latest decent into another depressive stage suddenly grip me once more and i was close to tears. In fact i had to choke back my tears on the train home. So what is dragging me down once more? Alot of things really. I miss the Musketeers very much. I have of course long since forgiven them but the pain of what has happened is still eating away at me. And despite what has happened, i still love them all very much. I have forgiven them. No matter how hard i try i find that they are part of my life now and what we had was so special and i am having difficulty with what has happened because i still love and care about them all very very much. But it is not just about them. It's more complex than that. I really loathe this life, not necessairly my own life, but with life in general, with the way things are going on this planet. Will the wars, corruption. pain, coldness, hatred etc ever stop. Why can't we all just live in peace and just get on? After all we only live 100 years, and alot of us pop off our clogs in our mid 80s anyway. So why waste life by pointless violence? I just dont understand that. There have been many times when i have wanted the power to stop the world and freeze time and just sort everything out ! But of course i dont have such power. i can only stand by and watch as humanity slides towards it's own destruction.
I am also missing my Mother and Grandfather. It hurts me that i never got a chance to say goodbye to Grandfather. He was dying of heart failure for a year and yet i never knew he was dying. I can forgive many things, an awful lots of things. But i cannot forgive that. I just can't. I know it is not very Christian of me or part of my spirtual outlook on life, but some things are unforgiveable, and in my book i cannot forgive that fact that was denied a chance to say goodbye to Grandfather.
I have also had a recent medical scare over a lump i found underneath my armpit. That really did have me worried. Luckily it is nothing more than a nasty spot, nothing more sinister than that. But i was a reminder, not that i ever need one that one day cancer will strike me. My family history is not encouraging. My Mother's Mother had it, her sister had it, My Mother had it. And they all died. So genetically i am more than likely to develop this bloody awful insideous disease. And that depresses me. Dont get me wrong, i would fight it, i am not going to give up, no way, i would fight it, tooth and nail. But as i reach the age of 40, i know that the danger grows ever closer, and that sort of future does frighten me in all honesty. Kind of like pre stage performance nerves, when you know you are next to go on but hoping you dont get things wrong when you are on stage. Actually that happened to me once when i did an appeal for Band Aid back in 1984/5 and i forgot my lines in front of the mayor as well. So i improvised, and the collection tins were full as a result !! But getting back to the present i do feel very concerned over that. I guess i will have to cross that bridge when it comes.
I dont know why i get these bouts of depression, this snake that coils round my heart and refuses to let go. So mnay years now on and off since i have had it, and it has grown worse since my Mother died. Hopefully the citalopram will help. But right now i am feeling physically and emotionally exhauasted. I am so tired of all of this. I really am. I am tired of the pain, i am tired of being hurt and made to look like some evil villian or whatever, when i am nothing of the sort. I am tired of putting on an act of appearing to be happy and cheerful at work, when all i want to do is just be left to myself. Better still drop eveything and run away to either Cornwall or Scotland, two places i love very much for it's countryside and sense of peace. And i am tired of the human race being so immature and not living in peace. Is that too much to ask for? If i could get rid of this depression, this snake i would be overjoyed. But right now all i can do is fight this thing and hope that the cloud will lift soon. Hopefully a weekend of rest will help. It will have to as i face another busy week in work.
At least i have Jeremy with me. he has helped me so much over the last year, particularly in the last couple of months. And Jeremy's scarf is simply wonderful to wear. I really love that. So soft and comforting to wear. I love it so much. He will always be my Beacon and Compass guiding me home. I will always remember him to the day i leave this life. And to have him so close to me and with me in my dreams is such a privelledge and honour. I just wish i could do so much more in return for him.
Well i need to go and have a bath and take a good soak, as i am feeling unwell and in some pain too. That will do me some good. It wont take my pain away but at least i can wind down a bit and just take things easy for a while. God i am so tired, so very very tired.
I am also missing my Mother and Grandfather. It hurts me that i never got a chance to say goodbye to Grandfather. He was dying of heart failure for a year and yet i never knew he was dying. I can forgive many things, an awful lots of things. But i cannot forgive that. I just can't. I know it is not very Christian of me or part of my spirtual outlook on life, but some things are unforgiveable, and in my book i cannot forgive that fact that was denied a chance to say goodbye to Grandfather.
I have also had a recent medical scare over a lump i found underneath my armpit. That really did have me worried. Luckily it is nothing more than a nasty spot, nothing more sinister than that. But i was a reminder, not that i ever need one that one day cancer will strike me. My family history is not encouraging. My Mother's Mother had it, her sister had it, My Mother had it. And they all died. So genetically i am more than likely to develop this bloody awful insideous disease. And that depresses me. Dont get me wrong, i would fight it, i am not going to give up, no way, i would fight it, tooth and nail. But as i reach the age of 40, i know that the danger grows ever closer, and that sort of future does frighten me in all honesty. Kind of like pre stage performance nerves, when you know you are next to go on but hoping you dont get things wrong when you are on stage. Actually that happened to me once when i did an appeal for Band Aid back in 1984/5 and i forgot my lines in front of the mayor as well. So i improvised, and the collection tins were full as a result !! But getting back to the present i do feel very concerned over that. I guess i will have to cross that bridge when it comes.
I dont know why i get these bouts of depression, this snake that coils round my heart and refuses to let go. So mnay years now on and off since i have had it, and it has grown worse since my Mother died. Hopefully the citalopram will help. But right now i am feeling physically and emotionally exhauasted. I am so tired of all of this. I really am. I am tired of the pain, i am tired of being hurt and made to look like some evil villian or whatever, when i am nothing of the sort. I am tired of putting on an act of appearing to be happy and cheerful at work, when all i want to do is just be left to myself. Better still drop eveything and run away to either Cornwall or Scotland, two places i love very much for it's countryside and sense of peace. And i am tired of the human race being so immature and not living in peace. Is that too much to ask for? If i could get rid of this depression, this snake i would be overjoyed. But right now all i can do is fight this thing and hope that the cloud will lift soon. Hopefully a weekend of rest will help. It will have to as i face another busy week in work.
At least i have Jeremy with me. he has helped me so much over the last year, particularly in the last couple of months. And Jeremy's scarf is simply wonderful to wear. I really love that. So soft and comforting to wear. I love it so much. He will always be my Beacon and Compass guiding me home. I will always remember him to the day i leave this life. And to have him so close to me and with me in my dreams is such a privelledge and honour. I just wish i could do so much more in return for him.
Well i need to go and have a bath and take a good soak, as i am feeling unwell and in some pain too. That will do me some good. It wont take my pain away but at least i can wind down a bit and just take things easy for a while. God i am so tired, so very very tired.
