wirralbagpuss: (JB)

I am shaking and crying.  Why does [livejournal.com profile] rebeccawilde  hate me so much? I am thinking back on events of last night on the LJ Jeremy Brett Group. Why did [livejournal.com profile] brighter2 take the opprtunity to make a thinly veiled attack on me last night? And i know[livejournal.com profile] rjdoll2  and [livejournal.com profile] nunewesen  both hate me as well. Why the such intense hatred. I know they have all complained about how 2009 has really been a bad year for them, but have they ever stopped to think about how THEIR behaviour has so very very badly affected others?  Im am convinced they are all lauging behind closed doors at me, and made all sorts of horrible and deeply offensive remarks about me and probably others as well. It is their clear HATRED and vindictiveness that is tearing me apart .  They claim they know what and who true friendship is . I dont think they have a fucking clue and it has shown in their behaviour this year.

What can i do to show them all that i dont  hate them, that i care for Rebecca and Susa so very very much. I wish they could see how their actions and behaviour is tearing me apart.  Dawn and i sorted out our differences this year and we have a better and much closer understanding of each other. Part of being a friend is forgiving each other for their misatakes and moving on. I have tried so many times to apologise to them, receiving no apology in return, I have tried to explain events from my point of view, discussing my serious battle with depression, and what Rebecca and Amanda did last night on the LJ JB Group has now triggered that depression, i can feel that fucking snake rearing it's head again. I am shaking as i wriote this, knowing that i am going to be battling this as i face 2010. Why do they continue to hurt me so much? Does not Rebecca and Susa realisle that i loved them like the sisters i never had. Do they have any concept of what that means?  If i did not care about them i would not be sitting here in tears and my whole body shaking because of their actions. I would say to myself fuck the fucking lot of you and rot in hell. But i dont , because i care about them.  I guess i am up against fighting not them as people, but the many many demons that overtake them and make them into somehting that they are not. Underneath all the hatred, all the spite, all the vindictveness, they are fundamentally good people. I saw that at first hand when Rebecca and Susa came to stay. God i trusted them so much. But the real tradegy in all of this that they let their demons and illnesses blind them and turned it into hate. and they projected that on to me, Judi, Holmes 221B and Medcat.

Why is life so cruel, why all the pain, why all the spitefulness and hatred. Why cant we forgive,  and move on and in doing so heal the pain? Dawn and i did that. Why cant they? I truly loved them, particularly Susa and Rebecca so very very very much. I saw so much of myself in them, but more than that i loved them, as people, funny, insightful, creative, damned clever, extremely talented and such determination to overcome advertisy against all odds.

I cant write anymore, the tears are blurring the screen. It will take me many many years to heal the damage they have caused me. Thank God i have friends online. at home and at work who will help me heal, who knows everything that has gone on and knew how much i loved them.  If i did not have them, i think tonight there is a very real danger of me walking down to the beach, and taking  a long swim and not comming back.  I have to fight this new black cloud that is now decending on me.

I still offer my hand of friendship to you all. I dont hate you. I just want things to be put right, to heal and give healing. I want us to be friends. But i guess you are all too full of hatred for that. I will be waiting, and will welcome you back with open arms and many tears if one day a miracle does occur and you come back.

Swiss Army Knife is back and i had to fight back the urge to cut myself ...the blade is sharp. But i am fighting this.  Last night was definetely a trigger. My snake is back. I miss you all so very much. More than you can possiblly know or ever even understand. I loved you. And always will.
wirralbagpuss: (JB friendship)
I cannot sleep. The dream i had last night has upset me more than i admit to even myself. I am in tears. All i want to do is hug both Susa and Rebecca and tell them how much i love them and how much i miss them. They meant the world to me. I have many friends but allow very few people to really get close to me. I allowed Susa and Rebecca to get close to me and i was and still am so very fond ot them. They are in my thoughts and prayers most nights. I wish they could see inside my soul and realise how much i loved them and care for them and still do. I miss them so very very much. I often wonder if they truly realise the pain i am in now? I still carry Susa's keyring fob of the horses on my keys, i still carry her moleskine book which i treasure so very much and is well used and thumbed. I still have the snow globe Rebecca gave me of Jeremy and i smile when i see it and think of the fun we had together. And of course the books and DVDs too. I treaure all of that. I miss our phone calls whilst i was on the train to work, the voicemails, i miss our chats. Most of all i miss the deep sense of friendship and love that i had for all of them. Having them stay with me was one of the happiest things that i had felt in years. I still smile at the sight of Rebecca shaking those marrachears !! And laughing about the snake. And i also have fond memories of Susa too. Her joy at the boat ride on the Ferry, seeing the Albert Docks, her delight in seeing Red Rocks and me smiling when she said she would like to sit there in the summer with her laptop !! It is a favourite spot of mine. My thinking space, my place to cry sometimes. If i did not care about them i would not still be feeling this way. But i did and i still do. Why is life so cruel? As i said i very rarely allow people to get close to me, it takes a special kind of person to do so. And i choose my friends so very very carefully. If only i could convey the love i have for them both and always will. Noone has ever affected me so much in the way Susa and Rebecca have. I still listen to Susa singing on my ipod and i sometimes cry. If only she knew how happy i was when i got that CD last year and how much it meant to me. I miss them so very very much. And it is tearing me apart. My greatest wish is to see them again and just hug them and tell them how much they mean to me. I know it is unlikely to happen now. But that is my greatest wish right now. Writing all of this down helps i guess. having congative theraphy does teach me a few things lol. But seriously i know what i am feeling right now is a trigger for me sliding into depression again, so i have to let all of this out. I cannot sleep, my mind is in turmoil. I have many faults, but perhaps my greatest failure is in loving people too much and having complete faith and trust in them like i did with Susa and Rebecca. I trusted them completely and unconditionally. Usually i dont let my guard down for anyone. Except those who i trusted and allowed to get close to me. Dawn and Emma are good examples. We have shared so much together over so many many years.

I should try and sleep now, but it is very hard. My head says one thing, but my heart says something completely different. I am walking alone in this darkness. In this terible sea of pain and conflict of emotions. I miss my friends so very very much. Yes i still call them friends. I know they wont feel the same and that hurts me even more. I wish i could open up my soul for all to see and then you would understand.


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