Fighting The Snake
May. 1st, 2010 08:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wirralbagpussThis is really annoying me. There are so many things happening right now that have given me so much happiness in recent months. New friendships espceially. But there have been times when i have felt that the tendrils of depression have tried to take over me as well. Foertunately i have been able to fight it off, but not always. Last night for example i sat in the bath and cried. I know what is casusing it. It's my Father especially and the continuing financial problems, and his lashing out at me over it does not help. But they are not the only reasons, i have personal reasons too. The symptons of PCOS depress me as well. I knew in my early teens how things would turn out and unknown to my parents back then i cried in bed over that as well. If i had the money and time i would seek a private consultation about this and get proper treatment. I know it can be done. But i would have to go private. I am also very frustrated with my job as well. And i am sick and tired of some people in work being patronising of late. I dont think it is intentional, we are all under a lot of stress and pressure right now, but it irked me all the same. Having said that i have come close to breaking down in tears in work over the lastweek or so, such is the amount of pressure we are under. And one person on my team is already off with depression. I am clinging on, but people at work do not really appreciate how i am feeling.
At least i can take comfort from the fact that this time last year i really was not coping with things very well at all. And that now i am on top of things. Last year of course i hid it from everyone. I'm good at hiding things. But i was breaking down in tears in the loo at work, had many thoughts about sucide and wanted to be hit by a car or bus whilst crossing the road etc. So this time round it is not nearly as bad. In fact last year was one of the worst years since 2005 for having a bout of depression. 2002/3 really was taken over by my grief more than anything which does not count. But i guess you would have to go back as far as 1988/9 when i was at college and i felt unwell back then. Interestingly my melchonic moods was picked up then by the English Lit teacher who caught me looking our of the window or simply not fully concentrating on the class. Little did i know back then how my life was to change so much within a decade. The idea of Mummy falling sick to cancer never even entered my mind. I wish i could go back in time and change so many things. But i cant. So i try not to think of things. But i do miss my Mother so very much. Just that some days are harder than others, you know.
It still pains me to have been accused by certain people in the last year of me faking my depression. i find that deeply offensive. I would never ever ever ever do such a thing. I certaintly did not fake lying in bed a week in October last year barely eating a thing and not wanting to get up, nor was the attempts to check out of life. Something i still have to battle with even now. Just because i am damn good at hdiing all of that does not mean i dont have or have had depression !!! People can on the surface lead a "normal happy life" a public mask so to speak for all the world to see, but behind closed doors, things are different. I am thinking of looking into getting more counselling, or at least someone to talk to. I basically sacked the last counsellor as i found her comments about me "being friends with people who have mental health issues" offensive. I wish i had another family member really. A brother or sister for example. Someone whom i can turn to and share things with. But i have noone now, other than my Father. And i feel like i have lost him now too really.
Anyway, the important thing is that i am fighting this. And i am alright.I am on top of things. It's just annoying that i still have to make an effort to keep the depression at bay, especially when i have so many wonderful things happening as well!! But at least i am in control this year. That has to be a good thing. Will keep on fighting too !!!! :) And that is the key. To keep on fighting, to know that there is light at the end of the dark tunnel. It is not hopeless. When i felt down in the last week or so it was the sight of the blossom on the trees and seeing the lambs in the fields that made me smile again. And of course i have my dear Zilly-Joan who has given me so much joy. Normally i would make this entry private/friends only. But i think it is important to be open about depression, and also to give hope to others who may be battlign depression too that there is hope. Depression can be beaten!!. It's not easy, but it can be done :)
At least i can take comfort from the fact that this time last year i really was not coping with things very well at all. And that now i am on top of things. Last year of course i hid it from everyone. I'm good at hiding things. But i was breaking down in tears in the loo at work, had many thoughts about sucide and wanted to be hit by a car or bus whilst crossing the road etc. So this time round it is not nearly as bad. In fact last year was one of the worst years since 2005 for having a bout of depression. 2002/3 really was taken over by my grief more than anything which does not count. But i guess you would have to go back as far as 1988/9 when i was at college and i felt unwell back then. Interestingly my melchonic moods was picked up then by the English Lit teacher who caught me looking our of the window or simply not fully concentrating on the class. Little did i know back then how my life was to change so much within a decade. The idea of Mummy falling sick to cancer never even entered my mind. I wish i could go back in time and change so many things. But i cant. So i try not to think of things. But i do miss my Mother so very much. Just that some days are harder than others, you know.
It still pains me to have been accused by certain people in the last year of me faking my depression. i find that deeply offensive. I would never ever ever ever do such a thing. I certaintly did not fake lying in bed a week in October last year barely eating a thing and not wanting to get up, nor was the attempts to check out of life. Something i still have to battle with even now. Just because i am damn good at hdiing all of that does not mean i dont have or have had depression !!! People can on the surface lead a "normal happy life" a public mask so to speak for all the world to see, but behind closed doors, things are different. I am thinking of looking into getting more counselling, or at least someone to talk to. I basically sacked the last counsellor as i found her comments about me "being friends with people who have mental health issues" offensive. I wish i had another family member really. A brother or sister for example. Someone whom i can turn to and share things with. But i have noone now, other than my Father. And i feel like i have lost him now too really.
Anyway, the important thing is that i am fighting this. And i am alright.I am on top of things. It's just annoying that i still have to make an effort to keep the depression at bay, especially when i have so many wonderful things happening as well!! But at least i am in control this year. That has to be a good thing. Will keep on fighting too !!!! :) And that is the key. To keep on fighting, to know that there is light at the end of the dark tunnel. It is not hopeless. When i felt down in the last week or so it was the sight of the blossom on the trees and seeing the lambs in the fields that made me smile again. And of course i have my dear Zilly-Joan who has given me so much joy. Normally i would make this entry private/friends only. But i think it is important to be open about depression, and also to give hope to others who may be battlign depression too that there is hope. Depression can be beaten!!. It's not easy, but it can be done :)
