wirralbagpuss: (Zilly Likes Sherlock)

I thought you might like to know how i am getting on as it is now a month, maybe a bit longer since i was put on medication to treat my depression. I am happy to say i am feeling very well and the medication is more than doing it's job. In fact it has been the best part of over a year since i felt so contented and not feeling those awful horribile clouds of depression dragging me down. What a wonderful feeling it is to be finally free of it all and to have some happiness again. That is so important. When i look back over the year, certaintly since Febuary 2009 i realise now how ill i really was with the depression. It was a gradual decline and very nearly got the better of me on several occasions in the latter half of 2009 and in January 2010 when i came very close to checking out of Hotel Planet Earth. No laughing matter and very frigtening indeed. Especially when you have a sudden rush to jump in front of a train or jumping of the platform and walking into a tunnel. God knows how i got the will power to stop myself but it was too damned close on occasions. All that is behind me now. I am currently very happy with having such wonderful friends who have supported me throughout some difficult times and have helped me recover in the long walk back towards the light and leaving the darkness behind. I cannot forget the kindness and friendship i have been given and i feel very honoured, privelledged and very lucky to have such wonderful friends. As to my life in general, well someone said to me recently during a conversation " it was meant to be".  We were talking of something entirely different but it moved me profoundly and i will never forget that conversation and observation as i had thought long and hard about this and i realise yes life is like a jigsaw, there is a purpose to one being here on this ball of rock, you just have to find the jigsaw pieces and aim to complete it and see the overall picture, a bit like a tapestry of life really. I have now seen a part of that bigger picture, the threads that have been in my life for a very long time which is now beginning to reveal themselves. There are many things i have yet to learn and understand, but it is very fulfilling to have sudden clarity to some of the things in my life and that can only be a good thing.

Anyway i wanted to dedicate this song/video to all my friends. I love Tina Arena, she is such a damn good singer and this particular song has very special significance to me and i have known this song for a very long time, but so very brilliantly and powefully sung by Tina Arena! For me this song is about friendship and the friends that stay with you when the going gets rough and will not abandon you even when you are at your lowest, about staying strong when the storm is raging around you and above all hope. I have listened to this song on my ipod in times of feeling very low and has kept me going and also in good times when i can also enjoy the song and enjoy in celebration.

I know that the snake that is my depression will inevitably come back and haunt me again even with the medication. I am sure of that, but i will deal with that when that occurs. But for now i am simply so very glad that i am feeling good and happy. I cant argue with that!
wirralbagpuss: (My Zilly Icon)
First things first. I am extremely saddened to learn on the news about the terrible events in Germany and the crush that took place taking so many lives. it has upset me alot actually. I am reminded of Hillsborough. I do hope friends past and present living in Germany are all safe and have not been affected by this terrible tradegy. I have been worried sick about that actually. So I do hope everyone is alright. It is already being investigated as a crimminal matter. Good. People should be held accountable for this. I am not sure how the legal system works in Germany, but i imagine there will be manslaughter charges and the company involved in organsing the crowd/events side of things will be crimminally charged as well, business on manslaughter charges as well? Not to mention the civil litigation as well. And i have no sympathy for the people responsible. I have seen pictures of the event and what can i say? The place was too small, no adequate facilities and only one entrance and exit. Absoutely lethal. It should have been held at a local football staduim or big field. Somewhere like that. So yes i feel very sorry for everyone in Germany right now.
  Right as promised a quick update on my depression. Some good news. I am on medication and that has helped already. I am already feeling much better after two weeks being on them. I have been told i will be on them six months at least. I have counselling being sorted out as well, will take a week or so to get it all up and running but i am pleased as that i think will work alongside my medication. The side effects were horrid for about two weeks, headaches, upset stomach, dizzyness and extreme tiredness but thankfully i am recovered from all of that now. With that behind me i can concetrate on my recovery programme. It is not going to be easy. i know that i said i am feeling much better but in reality i know i have a hell of a long way to go before the issues/roots  behind my deepseated depression is resolved. But i am a fighter. I know i can  beat this. Its not a question of if. morelike how. And i think i have now got the how bit on its way to being sorted out. Oh and this is combined with a change in my eating habits thanks to my friends who i am very fond of and mean alot to me, i am starting to lose weight which is good news also. That will be a harder battle to win becasue of additional medical problems i have but one that is not completely impossible to achieve. But it all adds to my recovery programme. I am determined to win this. For too long this has been my private secret war. Now with sharing this publically i hope that i can help others in fighting this dreadful illness. If my words can help people then that is a bonus.
wirralbagpuss: (Garden Zilly!)
As promised i am just letting anyone interested know i had my appointment with my doctor today. We spoke at length about my depression and i am now being treated for it. i have arranged NHS counselling, which will take place but there is a waiting list. The medication in the meantime will help in the meantime.

I am pleased that there is now a programme in place. I am determined to see this through and overcome my bouts of depression. I urge anyone who has gone through this to please seek help. if i can do it, anyone can do it! :) I know it's hard and it is not easy. But this is an illness you cannot fight on your own.

As to me i am taking action now as things have come to a head and it is time to really take the bull by the horns and fight this. It will be a tough battle but one i am determined to win.
wirralbagpuss: (Garden Zilly!)
Just a quick update on my ongoing battle with my depression, as i know  [livejournal.com profile] bugeyedmonster posted with my permission of course about my previous public post about my depression. So i wanted to let anyone who had read it know how things are progressing. Things are still like a pendulum at the moment, but i am seeking treatment for it at the moment. And this time i hope to have a proper management plan in place and counselling as well.  I will let you know how i get on in the next few days with those developments.

But as i said in my earlier post about this fight of mine,  please do seek help if you are in the same postion. This is not an illness you can treat yourself. It will only get worse. You do need support from friends, family, medical people or a counsellor. I am very fortunate in having some friends who have been so supportive in the last few months, well alot of the last several months really. Real friends sit down and talk to you and discuss things and stand by you when you are at your lowest. they certaintly dont dismiss your depression!  I am privelledged to have such good friends.

I know i can beat this. And with the help i will be getting i know the stormy seas will be calming soon, well i hope so. May take some time though i have to confess. it wont be an overnight quick fix. But i do have my beacons on the stormy seas, my anchors, and to my friends i want to thank you for your love and support. it means so much to me. Thank you.
wirralbagpuss: (Garden Zilly!)
Depression is a horrible thing. I have battled this thing for many years and not said a thing about it to the world until last year when i became overwhlemed by it. Deciding to be more open about my depression has been one of the most important decisions i have made i think. Since last year i have had my ups and downs. At the moment i am very much fighting the depression. How can i describe how i feel ? I guess it is like my heart breaking into a thousand pieces and there is nothing you can do to stop the pain. You feel out of control, you cannot escape the bite of the snake once it has coiled itself around you. So at the moment i am battling with it. It is not a nice feeling at all.

You can get help with depression as i will be doing once more. You can have the support of friends, and thank God i have wonderful close friends who have given me that support, and at my very lowest was my beacon in the darkness that gripped me. Recovery does take time as well. The pendulum is swinging back and forth all the time.

So why do i share this publically? Well first thing is that the more indepth discussion of my depression and battle with it will remain f locked. I will not share all my feelings publically. Just a very brief glimpse, a crack to peek through i suppose. But i wanted to share a little something because i know there are many people out their who will suffer from this bloody awful thing. My message is this. yes it is bloody lonely battle, yes it is painful and yes the mountain is a harder climb than Mt Everest. But it can be beaten. I have beaten this before many times over many many years. But i am still here. There is hope. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to fight your way there.

I urge anyone who is fighting this to seek counselling or at least get support. Ultimately it is a battle only you can win, one has to pull themselves out of it, but it does help to get the counselling and support as well. Stepping stones across the river from depression into a world without too much pain. I promise you it is well worth it.

So keep fighting. The battle can be won :)
wirralbagpuss: (Helloooo Zilly)
This is really annoying me. There are so many things happening right now that have given me so much happiness in recent months. New friendships espceially. But there have been times when i have felt that the tendrils of depression have tried to take over me as well. Foertunately i have been able to fight it off, but not always. Last night for example i sat in the bath and cried. I know what is casusing it. It's my Father especially and the continuing financial problems, and his lashing out at me over it does not help. But they are not the only reasons, i have personal reasons too. The symptons of PCOS depress me as well. I knew in my early teens how things would turn out and unknown to my parents back then i cried in bed over that as well. If i had the money and time i would seek a private consultation about this and get proper treatment. I know it can be done. But i would have to go private. I am also very frustrated with my job as well. And i am sick and tired of some people in work being patronising of late. I dont think it is intentional, we are all under a lot of stress and pressure right now, but it irked me all the same. Having said that i have come close to breaking down in tears in work over the lastweek or so, such is the amount of pressure we are under. And one person on my team is already off with depression.  I am clinging on, but people at work do not really appreciate how i am feeling.
  At least i can take comfort from the fact that this time last year i really was not coping with things very well at all. And that now i am on top of things. Last year  of course i hid it from everyone. I'm good at hiding things. But i was breaking down in tears in the loo at work, had many thoughts about sucide and wanted to be hit by a car or bus whilst crossing the road etc. So this time round it is not nearly as bad. In fact last year was one of the worst years since 2005 for having a bout of depression. 2002/3 really was taken over by my grief more than anything which does not count. But i guess you would have to go back as far as 1988/9 when i was at college and i felt unwell back then. Interestingly my melchonic moods was picked up then by the English Lit teacher who caught me looking our of the window or simply not fully concentrating on the class. Little did i know back then how my life was to change so much within a decade. The idea of Mummy falling sick to cancer never even entered my mind. I wish i could go back in time and change so many things. But i cant. So i try not to think of things. But i do miss my Mother so very much. Just that some days are harder than others, you know.
  It still pains me to have been accused by certain people in the last year of me faking my depression. i find that deeply offensive. I would never ever ever ever do such a thing. I certaintly did not fake lying in  bed a week in October last year barely eating  a thing and not wanting to get up, nor was the attempts to check out of life. Something i still have to battle with even now. Just because i am damn good at hdiing all of that does not mean i dont have or have had depression !!! People can on the surface lead a "normal happy life"  a public mask so to speak for all the world to see, but behind closed doors, things are different.  I am thinking of looking into getting more counselling, or at least someone to talk to. I basically sacked the last counsellor as i found her comments about me "being friends with people who have mental health issues" offensive. I wish i had another family member really. A brother or sister for example. Someone whom i can turn to and share things with.  But i have noone now, other than my Father. And i feel like i have lost him now too really.
 Anyway, the important thing is that i am fighting this. And i am alright.I am on top of things. It's just annoying that i still have to make an effort to keep the depression at bay, especially when i have so many wonderful things happening as well!! But at least i am in control this year. That has to be a good thing. Will keep on fighting too !!!! :) And that is the key. To keep on fighting, to know that there is light at the end of the dark tunnel. It is not hopeless. When i felt down in the last week or so it was the sight of the blossom on the trees and seeing the lambs in the fields that made me smile again. And of course i have my dear Zilly-Joan who has given me so much joy.  Normally i would make this entry private/friends only. But i think it is important to be open about depression,  and also to give hope to others who may be battlign depression too that there is hope. Depression can be beaten!!. It's not easy, but it can be done :)
wirralbagpuss: (JB)

I am so very tired. I am so weary of the pain of missing those who i loved so very dearly, [livejournal.com profile] rebeccawilde who has inflicted so much pain on me in the last 24 hours. And i miss [livejournal.com profile] nunewesen as well. They were like sisters to me. I am breaking down in tears now. I wish someone could be here and give me a hug just like i hugged Susa when she stayed with me and held her tight when she broke down in tears.

I just want peace and reconciliation. But they dont want it. And it is tearing me apart.  Who will catch me when i fall ?


wirralbagpuss: (Jeremy At Wyhams)

Just a quick update. I know that my eyesight is starting to give me trouble. I have good days and bad days. Today was a baddish day. My good eye was blurring quite alot today and a misty veil took over for a while before i finally shook it off. The cataract is making itself more present these days. I simply do not know how long it will be before there is a marked decline in my eyesight and i start to go completely blind before surgery is feasible to restore the eyesight. I hope i have another good five years left before i get to that stage. But it is beginning now, slowly but all the hallmarks are there, and frankly it scares the hell out of me. Sure i will get my sight back, but going blind albiet temporairly is not my idea of fun. I rely on my good eye. Without it i would need a guide dog. It is as simple as that. Oh well i will have to face this battle and get on with it. In many ways it is like waiting for results or something, you just want it over and done with you know? But yes i'll admit i am scared.
My foot is playing merry hell. Since the fall last week and the one prior to that i know i have sprained my ankle. I also need to organise a second opinion on my toe, as that has not healed well and i am still walking down stairs at snails pace which is not good. and in my other foot i am prone to arthritis and that foot ached today as well. Wonderful. NOT !!
As far as the depression is concerned i am delighted that i have at last come out of the depression that has lasted really since Febuary. I hate being depressed. I really do. For now i have managed to break free of the snake that was coiled round my heart. It is back in it's box. The citalopram has helped a great deal. And my sessions with my counsellor is going well. We have spoken about so many things, and she is now aware of my depression and being on citalopram. She was always convinced i had depression and have had it in the past. It was a matter of waiting for me to trust her enough for me to tell her. And i have now crossed that bridge. Will my depression come back? God yes, unfortunately so. And i am dreading that. Sure i felt a bit down this morning as i was missing my Mother, but that was me grieving i suppose. As Jeremy so rightly said, you learn to live with the pain but you never get over it. He was so very very right. Even now i break down and cry over my Mother's death. It hurts. But when i am depressed, it will be comnbination of many things that will cause me to becoem very down and not wanting to be surrounded by anybody much. God knows how i have coped without citalopram previously and my last real sucide attempt was in September. Hopefully it wont get as bad as that again. But i know the depression will return. It always does. My only regret is keeping it all a secret all these years and not telling a soul. Jeremy certaintly helped me through to making the decision to reveal my depression to the world. It has been a long journey and a very painful one. But at least i have done it now. He is my Lantern and Compass guiding me home. I know he is still with me. I owe Jeremy so very very much.

To quote Jeremy, Onwards and Upwards !!! :) I can fight this and i will !!
wirralbagpuss: (Jeremy's Flat)
This is really annoying me now. When i am working i dont have time to notice it as i am so busy with dealing with the stress of my job, loads and loads of incomming calls, pressure to complete casework and reach targets and all that jazz. It is very exhausting. But when i had to leave work early today due to suddenly being taken ill as a result of PCOS, (and it was a very bad attack that left me in alot of pain which suprised me to be honest) i felt my latest decent into another depressive stage suddenly grip me once more and i was close to tears. In fact i had to choke back my tears on the train home. So what is dragging me down once more? Alot of things really. I miss the Musketeers very much. I have of course long since forgiven them but the pain of what has happened is still eating away at me. And despite what has happened, i still love them all very much. I have forgiven them. No matter how hard i try i find that they are part of my life now and what we had was so special and i am having difficulty with what has happened because i still love and care about them all very very much. But it is not just about them. It's more complex than that. I really loathe this life, not necessairly my own life, but with life in general, with the way things are going on this planet. Will the wars, corruption. pain, coldness, hatred etc ever stop. Why can't we all just live in peace and just get on? After all we only live 100 years, and alot of us pop off our clogs in our mid 80s anyway. So why waste life by pointless violence? I just dont understand that. There have been many times when i have wanted the power to stop the world and freeze time and just sort everything out ! But of course i dont have such power. i can only stand by and watch as humanity slides towards it's own destruction.
I am also missing my Mother and Grandfather. It hurts me that i never got a chance to say goodbye to Grandfather. He was dying of heart failure for a year and yet i never knew he was dying. I can forgive many things, an awful lots of things. But i cannot forgive that. I just can't. I know it is not very Christian of me or part of my spirtual outlook on life, but some things are unforgiveable, and in my book i cannot forgive that fact that was denied a chance to say goodbye to Grandfather.
I have also had a recent medical scare over a lump i found underneath my armpit. That really did have me worried. Luckily it is nothing more than a nasty spot, nothing more sinister than that. But i was a reminder, not that i ever need one that one day cancer will strike me. My family history is not encouraging. My Mother's Mother had it, her sister had it, My Mother had it. And they all died. So genetically i am more than likely to develop this bloody awful insideous disease. And that depresses me. Dont get me wrong, i would fight it, i am not going to give up, no way, i would fight it, tooth and nail. But as i reach the age of 40, i know that the danger grows ever closer, and that sort of future does frighten me in all honesty. Kind of like pre stage performance nerves, when you know you are next to go on but hoping you dont get things wrong when you are on stage. Actually that happened to me once when i did an appeal for Band Aid back in 1984/5 and i forgot my lines in front of the mayor as well. So i improvised, and the collection tins were full as a result !! But getting back to the present i do feel very concerned over that. I guess i will have to cross that bridge when it comes.
I dont know why i get these bouts of depression, this snake that coils round my heart and refuses to let go. So mnay years now on and off since i have had it, and it has grown worse since my Mother died. Hopefully the citalopram will help. But right now i am feeling physically and emotionally exhauasted. I am so tired of all of this. I really am. I am tired of the pain, i am tired of being hurt and made to look like some evil villian or whatever, when i am nothing of the sort. I am tired of putting on an act of appearing to be happy and cheerful at work, when all i want to do is just be left to myself. Better still drop eveything and run away to either Cornwall or Scotland, two places i love very much for it's countryside and sense of peace. And i am tired of the human race being so immature and not living in peace. Is that too much to ask for? If i could get rid of this depression, this snake i would be overjoyed. But right now all i can do is fight this thing and hope that the cloud will lift soon. Hopefully a weekend of rest will help. It will have to as i face another busy week in work.
At least i have Jeremy with me. he has helped me so much over the last year, particularly in the last couple of months. And Jeremy's scarf is simply wonderful to wear. I really love that. So soft and comforting to wear. I love it so much. He will always be my Beacon and Compass guiding me home. I will always remember him to the day i leave this life. And to have him so close to me and with me in my dreams is such a privelledge and honour. I just wish i could do so much more in return for him.
Well i need to go and have a bath and take a good soak, as i am feeling unwell and in some pain too. That will do me some good. It wont take my pain away but at least i can wind down a bit and just take things easy for a while. God i am so tired, so very very tired.


Nov. 6th, 2009 08:04 pm
wirralbagpuss: (JB)
Since comming out about my depression a few weeks ago, i thought i would update anyone reaing this about how i am getting on. The answer is i am recovering from my worst depressive attack/illness since the last major one in 2005. This year has been very difficult for so many reasons. But with the help and support of friends i have just about come through it. Deciding to face my depression and seek medical help was one of the hardest but also best things i could do for myself. For too many years i have baatled this alone. Noone knew about my depression, i could not tell anyone, through fear, fear of being ashamed about it, fear of upsetting and hurting my friends in revealing my very personal and private war with the snake that i carry within me, especially to those friends who have problems of their own and i did not want to burden them with mine and hurt them by doing so. So i hide it from the world.
  Now i am on the citalopram things have improved. The torrent of unwanted sucidal thoughts and images have diminished dramatically. I got the images so bad in June especially. It really did scare me, but again i could not discuss this with friends as i did not want to upset them, although i have been so very tempted to come out with them about it. And i was very close to doing so back then. But my depression got the better of me this year. So i sought medical help and i am very glad i did so. Now i am feeling alot better in myself. I am still not fully recovered, I broke down in tears this week remembering my Grandfather who died a year ago Nov 4th. And i will be forever greatful to Susa for her support during such a diificult night.  I wont ever forget the kindness shown that night. And i have cried once a twice in the last month as well. But overall i am definetely recovering which i am thrilled about.
  I dont know what the future holds. I know the depression will come back at some point. I have no doubt of that, but with the citalporam it should lessen the extent of the depression and depth of it. I guess you could call it a taming of the resident snake within me to a large extent. it will always be with me for the rest of my life, and i beleive it really started in my early teenage years, so i have had it most of my life. I am grateful and very lucky to have friends who have given me support, encouragement and have listened this year, and beleived in me. That is real friendship. I have forgiven those who accused me of lying about having depression. I would welcome them back as friends with no strings attached. I cannot forget of course, but i can move on. Like my close friend of 16 years and myself have done in the last month. We have forgiven each other after a row in the summer and have moved on. We value our friendship far too much to let it go. Hatred gets you nowhere and in the end only serves to destroy one's soul. Life is far too short for hatred.  I would like to thank all those who have stood by me. You know who you are !! And of course without question i must also thank Jeremy, who i feel very close to now, having seen him in my dreams in the last few months regularly and spoken with him too. He has been with me since 1984 when i first saw him on tv back then. But since my Mother's death i have felt him come closer and closer to me, and now he is closer to me than i ever dared hope for. He is my Beacon and Compass, guiding me and supporting me as i find myself and reach for the light at the end of a dark tunnel. He is also my friend and mentor, the brother i never had. He is my anchor who will always be close to me until the end of my time on this plane of existence. I owe him much.  His candle will always shine brightly in my heart. I have promised him that a real candle will be lit on his birthday, September 12th and at Christmas every year for the rest of my life. it is the least i can do in return for what he has done for me.
wirralbagpuss: (JB)

I have had a very diffucult week coping with my battle against depression. Certain events this week which i will not go into detail here as i will give the people respect which they have certaintly not shown me have only excerbated things and tip me into a very low state. Today i took the very difficult and painful step of comming out about my depression at work to my team colleagues. I was very close to breaking down in tears as i did so as it was a very difficult thing for me to do, especially as i consider myself to be a very private person in many respects. So why have i made this LJ entry public. Well for a number of reasons really. One is to show that depression is a thing that can be overcome. Being honest and open about one's mental state is a first step on the road to recovery. What has led me to my comming out today? Well three things really. I know i have been getting worse and enough was enough, so i took the first big step and sought help. I have seen my GP, he has had a long chat with me me and has put me on 20mg Citalopram. That was a bloody difficult thing for me to do. I felt dirty, i felt like i had sold my soul by telling my GP i was depressed. God that was such a diffciult thing to do. But i did it. At the same time i have been seeing a counsellor since the beginning of September basically and that is ongoing. Another difficult step, but i did it and am continuing to do it. So what prompted me to get help? Well these two videos basically. It was not an overnight decison. i have been going back to watch them on a regular basis over the past year and i have Jeremy's Manic Depression Awareness appeal on my ipod as well. Both videos had a very profound impact on me as i thought to myself particulary on the first one, My God that is me ! Very much so. And i knew then i had to confront hidden secrets and demons within me. It was the start of my own journey and i hope recovery. Indeed in September when i came close to considering suicide, i watched this over and over again.  I did actually leave a comment on that video on the anniversary of my Mother's death, but it was only half the story. I was not ready at that point to declare to the world about my depression. Butr it was the start of my journey.

Jeremy's Manic Awareness video/and audio on my ipod was a process of many months, I know it was Jeremy guiding me, encouraging me, being my compass and shinging the light to the stage i have reached today which was to come out to my colleagues about my depression. They were shocked and stunned, but very supportive. Tonight on Facebook i got a message from a team colleague that left me in tears.

"Hey Charl, hope you got on ok at Dr Watsons (!) you did a very brave thing today - don't think many people would have had the balls to do that. We are all there if you ever need anything. Chin up!!! C u monday xx"

But then i got a text message from someone, again i will give the person dignity and respect by not naming the indiviual which included the following statement:

"You dont  need pills you just need to learn how to live ...!"

Given the difficult day and week i have had that floored me completely and tonight whilst making tea i just broke down in tears and banged my fists against the wall and bath that i later had. The last time i did that was early July last year when i was depressed. That statement appalled me. It is like saying to anyone with depression and mental health issues you dont need medication. Jeremy i know woould have been appalled by such a remark.  I dont think i need to explain why.  Breaking down tonight, i knew exactly how he felt when he banged his own fists which he alluded to in his Manic Depression Awareness Video.

I know Jeremy has been instrumental in bringing me to where i am today. Despite such a difficult summer when i have been accused of faking my depression and now this horrendous text statement, i know he has been my Compass, My Guide, my Shining Light helping me down the path of me really getting to grips with this. I know he will continue to walk with me and support me. I know he will never ever abandon me. At least i was able to at least repay what he has done for me in the past year in particular by doing the Jeremy Brett Memorial Walk. That was for you Jeremy. And i would do it for noone else.

I have friends both at home and at work who i know will support me. The message left on Facebook tonight is proof of that. Comming out today was a huge huge step for me.  I have still not told them yet about my eyesight and my cataract which will cause me to go blind as i have no sight in my left eye. That is a prospect that scares the hell out of me. I am to be honest terrified by the battle i face over that. It is too soon yet to drop THAT bombshell on them. But i know i will have to sooner rather than later, as since Easter i have noticed increased blurriness in my good eye where the cataract is. I get good and bad days. But it has really been and still is a very frightening thing for me to deal with. I had hoped for a ten year time scale. Now i think i am looking at five. It is something that can be treated as they can zap this thing, but to do so now would mean permanent blindness, which of course i dont want !!! So in order to beat this it will get worse before it gets better.

But i am a very strong person.  Christ i have to be. And have been. I watched my Mother die. I have seen friends die of cancer, heart failure and in one case suicide. (That really affected me very badly) I had to be strong when i took charge of a situation on a train once when someone collapsed and apart from a first aider who gave medical help, i had to take command and issue orders to complete strangers to stop the train and get help. 

So i will fight this and my blindess. I will not let this depression which is like a snake which coils itself round my heart and grips it and never lets go.  I will beat this snake, this fucking awfuil illness. I would not wish it on anyone. But it has controlled me for so much of my life. Now i am goign to fight back. I will overcome this. And i know Jeremy, my Eternal Compass, my friends and family will help me overcome this. I will beat this. I will win what has been a very private war. By comming out and bringing it into the open i am now tackling this head on. As Jeremy said, Onwards and Upwards. How very true those words are. Onwards and Upwards indeed. I will get back on the bycyle. I will win this war. It wont be easy, but i know today was another milestone in winning this war. Thank you Jeremy for guiding me home. Thank you to all my friends, you know who you are !! who have been so kind and supportive sharing my journey.


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