The Cat's Mieow !!!

I thought you might like to know how i am getting on as it is now a month, maybe a bit longer since i was put on medication to treat my depression. I am happy to say i am feeling very well and the medication is more than doing it's job. In fact it has been the best part of over a year since i felt so contented and not feeling those awful horribile clouds of depression dragging me down. What a wonderful feeling it is to be finally free of it all and to have some happiness again. That is so important. When i look back over the year, certaintly since Febuary 2009 i realise now how ill i really was with the depression. It was a gradual decline and very nearly got the better of me on several occasions in the latter half of 2009 and in January 2010 when i came very close to checking out of Hotel Planet Earth. No laughing matter and very frigtening indeed. Especially when you have a sudden rush to jump in front of a train or jumping of the platform and walking into a tunnel. God knows how i got the will power to stop myself but it was too damned close on occasions. All that is behind me now. I am currently very happy with having such wonderful friends who have supported me throughout some difficult times and have helped me recover in the long walk back towards the light and leaving the darkness behind. I cannot forget the kindness and friendship i have been given and i feel very honoured, privelledged and very lucky to have such wonderful friends. As to my life in general, well someone said to me recently during a conversation " it was meant to be".  We were talking of something entirely different but it moved me profoundly and i will never forget that conversation and observation as i had thought long and hard about this and i realise yes life is like a jigsaw, there is a purpose to one being here on this ball of rock, you just have to find the jigsaw pieces and aim to complete it and see the overall picture, a bit like a tapestry of life really. I have now seen a part of that bigger picture, the threads that have been in my life for a very long time which is now beginning to reveal themselves. There are many things i have yet to learn and understand, but it is very fulfilling to have sudden clarity to some of the things in my life and that can only be a good thing.

Anyway i wanted to dedicate this song/video to all my friends. I love Tina Arena, she is such a damn good singer and this particular song has very special significance to me and i have known this song for a very long time, but so very brilliantly and powefully sung by Tina Arena! For me this song is about friendship and the friends that stay with you when the going gets rough and will not abandon you even when you are at your lowest, about staying strong when the storm is raging around you and above all hope. I have listened to this song on my ipod in times of feeling very low and has kept me going and also in good times when i can also enjoy the song and enjoy in celebration.




I know that the snake that is my depression will inevitably come back and haunt me again even with the medication. I am sure of that, but i will deal with that when that occurs. But for now i am simply so very glad that i am feeling good and happy. I cant argue with that!

As promised i am just letting anyone interested know i had my appointment with my doctor today. We spoke at length about my depression and i am now being treated for it. i have arranged NHS counselling, which will take place but there is a waiting list. The medication in the meantime will help in the meantime.

I am pleased that there is now a programme in place. I am determined to see this through and overcome my bouts of depression. I urge anyone who has gone through this to please seek help. if i can do it, anyone can do it! :) I know it's hard and it is not easy. But this is an illness you cannot fight on your own.

As to me i am taking action now as things have come to a head and it is time to really take the bull by the horns and fight this. It will be a tough battle but one i am determined to win.

Depression is a horrible thing. I have battled this thing for many years and not said a thing about it to the world until last year when i became overwhlemed by it. Deciding to be more open about my depression has been one of the most important decisions i have made i think. Since last year i have had my ups and downs. At the moment i am very much fighting the depression. How can i describe how i feel ? I guess it is like my heart breaking into a thousand pieces and there is nothing you can do to stop the pain. You feel out of control, you cannot escape the bite of the snake once it has coiled itself around you. So at the moment i am battling with it. It is not a nice feeling at all.

You can get help with depression as i will be doing once more. You can have the support of friends, and thank God i have wonderful close friends who have given me that support, and at my very lowest was my beacon in the darkness that gripped me. Recovery does take time as well. The pendulum is swinging back and forth all the time.

So why do i share this publically? Well first thing is that the more indepth discussion of my depression and battle with it will remain f locked. I will not share all my feelings publically. Just a very brief glimpse, a crack to peek through i suppose. But i wanted to share a little something because i know there are many people out their who will suffer from this bloody awful thing. My message is this. yes it is bloody lonely battle, yes it is painful and yes the mountain is a harder climb than Mt Everest. But it can be beaten. I have beaten this before many times over many many years. But i am still here. There is hope. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to fight your way there.

I urge anyone who is fighting this to seek counselling or at least get support. Ultimately it is a battle only you can win, one has to pull themselves out of it, but it does help to get the counselling and support as well. Stepping stones across the river from depression into a world without too much pain. I promise you it is well worth it.

So keep fighting. The battle can be won :)

This is really annoying me now. When i am working i dont have time to notice it as i am so busy with dealing with the stress of my job, loads and loads of incomming calls, pressure to complete casework and reach targets and all that jazz. It is very exhausting. But when i had to leave work early today due to suddenly being taken ill as a result of PCOS, (and it was a very bad attack that left me in alot of pain which suprised me to be honest) i felt my latest decent into another depressive stage suddenly grip me once more and i was close to tears. In fact i had to choke back my tears on the train home. So what is dragging me down once more? Alot of things really. I miss the Musketeers very much. I have of course long since forgiven them but the pain of what has happened is still eating away at me. And despite what has happened, i still love them all very much. I have forgiven them. No matter how hard i try i find that they are part of my life now and what we had was so special and i am having difficulty with what has happened because i still love and care about them all very very much. But it is not just about them. It's more complex than that. I really loathe this life, not necessairly my own life, but with life in general, with the way things are going on this planet. Will the wars, corruption. pain, coldness, hatred etc ever stop. Why can't we all just live in peace and just get on? After all we only live 100 years, and alot of us pop off our clogs in our mid 80s anyway. So why waste life by pointless violence? I just dont understand that. There have been many times when i have wanted the power to stop the world and freeze time and just sort everything out ! But of course i dont have such power. i can only stand by and watch as humanity slides towards it's own destruction.
I am also missing my Mother and Grandfather. It hurts me that i never got a chance to say goodbye to Grandfather. He was dying of heart failure for a year and yet i never knew he was dying. I can forgive many things, an awful lots of things. But i cannot forgive that. I just can't. I know it is not very Christian of me or part of my spirtual outlook on life, but some things are unforgiveable, and in my book i cannot forgive that fact that was denied a chance to say goodbye to Grandfather.
I have also had a recent medical scare over a lump i found underneath my armpit. That really did have me worried. Luckily it is nothing more than a nasty spot, nothing more sinister than that. But i was a reminder, not that i ever need one that one day cancer will strike me. My family history is not encouraging. My Mother's Mother had it, her sister had it, My Mother had it. And they all died. So genetically i am more than likely to develop this bloody awful insideous disease. And that depresses me. Dont get me wrong, i would fight it, i am not going to give up, no way, i would fight it, tooth and nail. But as i reach the age of 40, i know that the danger grows ever closer, and that sort of future does frighten me in all honesty. Kind of like pre stage performance nerves, when you know you are next to go on but hoping you dont get things wrong when you are on stage. Actually that happened to me once when i did an appeal for Band Aid back in 1984/5 and i forgot my lines in front of the mayor as well. So i improvised, and the collection tins were full as a result !! But getting back to the present i do feel very concerned over that. I guess i will have to cross that bridge when it comes.
I dont know why i get these bouts of depression, this snake that coils round my heart and refuses to let go. So mnay years now on and off since i have had it, and it has grown worse since my Mother died. Hopefully the citalopram will help. But right now i am feeling physically and emotionally exhauasted. I am so tired of all of this. I really am. I am tired of the pain, i am tired of being hurt and made to look like some evil villian or whatever, when i am nothing of the sort. I am tired of putting on an act of appearing to be happy and cheerful at work, when all i want to do is just be left to myself. Better still drop eveything and run away to either Cornwall or Scotland, two places i love very much for it's countryside and sense of peace. And i am tired of the human race being so immature and not living in peace. Is that too much to ask for? If i could get rid of this depression, this snake i would be overjoyed. But right now all i can do is fight this thing and hope that the cloud will lift soon. Hopefully a weekend of rest will help. It will have to as i face another busy week in work.
At least i have Jeremy with me. he has helped me so much over the last year, particularly in the last couple of months. And Jeremy's scarf is simply wonderful to wear. I really love that. So soft and comforting to wear. I love it so much. He will always be my Beacon and Compass guiding me home. I will always remember him to the day i leave this life. And to have him so close to me and with me in my dreams is such a privelledge and honour. I just wish i could do so much more in return for him.
Well i need to go and have a bath and take a good soak, as i am feeling unwell and in some pain too. That will do me some good. It wont take my pain away but at least i can wind down a bit and just take things easy for a while. God i am so tired, so very very tired.

I have had a very diffucult week coping with my battle against depression. Certain events this week which i will not go into detail here as i will give the people respect which they have certaintly not shown me have only excerbated things and tip me into a very low state. Today i took the very difficult and painful step of comming out about my depression at work to my team colleagues. I was very close to breaking down in tears as i did so as it was a very difficult thing for me to do, especially as i consider myself to be a very private person in many respects. So why have i made this LJ entry public. Well for a number of reasons really. One is to show that depression is a thing that can be overcome. Being honest and open about one's mental state is a first step on the road to recovery. What has led me to my comming out today? Well three things really. I know i have been getting worse and enough was enough, so i took the first big step and sought help. I have seen my GP, he has had a long chat with me me and has put me on 20mg Citalopram. That was a bloody difficult thing for me to do. I felt dirty, i felt like i had sold my soul by telling my GP i was depressed. God that was such a diffciult thing to do. But i did it. At the same time i have been seeing a counsellor since the beginning of September basically and that is ongoing. Another difficult step, but i did it and am continuing to do it. So what prompted me to get help? Well these two videos basically. It was not an overnight decison. i have been going back to watch them on a regular basis over the past year and i have Jeremy's Manic Depression Awareness appeal on my ipod as well. Both videos had a very profound impact on me as i thought to myself particulary on the first one, My God that is me ! Very much so. And i knew then i had to confront hidden secrets and demons within me. It was the start of my own journey and i hope recovery. Indeed in September when i came close to considering suicide, i watched this over and over again.  I did actually leave a comment on that video on the anniversary of my Mother's death, but it was only half the story. I was not ready at that point to declare to the world about my depression. Butr it was the start of my journey.



Jeremy's Manic Awareness video/and audio on my ipod was a process of many months, I know it was Jeremy guiding me, encouraging me, being my compass and shinging the light to the stage i have reached today which was to come out to my colleagues about my depression. They were shocked and stunned, but very supportive. Tonight on Facebook i got a message from a team colleague that left me in tears.