wirralbagpuss: (Zilly Likes Sherlock)

I thought you might like to know how i am getting on as it is now a month, maybe a bit longer since i was put on medication to treat my depression. I am happy to say i am feeling very well and the medication is more than doing it's job. In fact it has been the best part of over a year since i felt so contented and not feeling those awful horribile clouds of depression dragging me down. What a wonderful feeling it is to be finally free of it all and to have some happiness again. That is so important. When i look back over the year, certaintly since Febuary 2009 i realise now how ill i really was with the depression. It was a gradual decline and very nearly got the better of me on several occasions in the latter half of 2009 and in January 2010 when i came very close to checking out of Hotel Planet Earth. No laughing matter and very frigtening indeed. Especially when you have a sudden rush to jump in front of a train or jumping of the platform and walking into a tunnel. God knows how i got the will power to stop myself but it was too damned close on occasions. All that is behind me now. I am currently very happy with having such wonderful friends who have supported me throughout some difficult times and have helped me recover in the long walk back towards the light and leaving the darkness behind. I cannot forget the kindness and friendship i have been given and i feel very honoured, privelledged and very lucky to have such wonderful friends. As to my life in general, well someone said to me recently during a conversation " it was meant to be".  We were talking of something entirely different but it moved me profoundly and i will never forget that conversation and observation as i had thought long and hard about this and i realise yes life is like a jigsaw, there is a purpose to one being here on this ball of rock, you just have to find the jigsaw pieces and aim to complete it and see the overall picture, a bit like a tapestry of life really. I have now seen a part of that bigger picture, the threads that have been in my life for a very long time which is now beginning to reveal themselves. There are many things i have yet to learn and understand, but it is very fulfilling to have sudden clarity to some of the things in my life and that can only be a good thing.

Anyway i wanted to dedicate this song/video to all my friends. I love Tina Arena, she is such a damn good singer and this particular song has very special significance to me and i have known this song for a very long time, but so very brilliantly and powefully sung by Tina Arena! For me this song is about friendship and the friends that stay with you when the going gets rough and will not abandon you even when you are at your lowest, about staying strong when the storm is raging around you and above all hope. I have listened to this song on my ipod in times of feeling very low and has kept me going and also in good times when i can also enjoy the song and enjoy in celebration.

I know that the snake that is my depression will inevitably come back and haunt me again even with the medication. I am sure of that, but i will deal with that when that occurs. But for now i am simply so very glad that i am feeling good and happy. I cant argue with that!
wirralbagpuss: (My Zilly Icon)

Well it has been i'd say around a month now since i have truly felt recovered from my year long depression. What follows i guess is a few thoughts about things, sort of a self inflicted CBT session, so for that reason i have placed it under a cut as i know not everyone will want to read this.

 Post Depression Recovery Thoughts )

Onwards and Upwards !!! Was listening to Jeremy today. He was such a strong soul, an amzing man. And with me being deaf, it has taken me ages to "learn" what he is saying on some of the audio as it is so difficult ot hear because of the quality of some of the recording. But oh i would'nt miss listening to it for the world. Such a rare and beautiful human being. Having him on my ipod both in aduio and in visual (got Sherlock Holmes on my ipod as well as Star Trek films!) is a gift no amount of money can buy !!!! :D And i have Edward Hardwicke reading the Cannon as well. Who could ask for anything more !!! :D
wirralbagpuss: (Happy Sherlock !!)

Making the post depression recovery video was one of the best things i have done in ages. It was very much cognative theraphy for me. I HAD  to make that video, as it was part of my recovery. And it has helped enormously. I have looked back over the past year of diary entries, and one or two poems i wrote and thought about my close brushes with checking out of life and i am stunned by it. I never realised just how depressed and ill  i really was. I sensed it but looking back, well i am shocked.  For the first time in a month my mind is free from images of self harm. YAYYYYYYYYYYYY . And i have not wanted a car to hit me or felt the urge to jump in front of a train for some time now. Double yay.  I am just happy to be free of this dammed awful, fucking cruel illness. Well i am free for now anyhow. I know that it will return, whether it be a few weeks time, six months or a year. It will return. I am dreading that. But for now i am just enjoying the release. As i said in my video, i am extremely grateful to have had the support of people who listened and stood by me when i was at my lowest. Had that not happened, well i dont want to think about that.... Friendship is so very important to me, as is loyalty and standing by your friends. I love people too much to walk away from people.
  People at work have noticed the change, the extra spring in my step, and how happy i have become with having Zilly-Joan at home. Pets are so therapuetic. I love her so much. She is a rescue cat, but she has given me so much love, and i hope i have helped her too as i know Zilly-Joan has had trauma in her life too. The only trauma she faces now is when i dont treat her to a tidbit of shrimp or pepporoni !!! Joking apart Zilly-Joan has been brilliant.
  I feel the change in me. I feel happier, brighter. I am laughing again. Have not truly laughed for a long time. The only exception being when meeting with Judi who made me laugh. I just hope and pray my recovery continues. There are triggers i know which nearly saw me slip back or regress. But i have to fight and overcome them. There is no other way.  On a happier note i am focusing on being at the Bandstand at Clapham Common on March 17th. I dont care if it rains. I just want to be there.  I feel alot of peace being there. I cant explain it. It just does.  And i will be meeting Judi. I cant wait.  Difficult day for me personally, but rather tham mourn, i will share and celebrate the day with friends. Just as i did last year. The tears were never far away last year and i know they will be near this year. But one has to move on. The pain never dies. You just learn to live with it.  Life is for Living.  A sentiment i almost forgot during such a difficult and dark year. Life is indeed for living.
wirralbagpuss: (JB friendship)
Could not sleep last night due to having a cold. I am still full of cold today and am at home sitting in my dressing gown! Anyway i put my insomia to good use and made this video which i simply had to do.

This one is for you :)


wirralbagpuss: (Default)

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