Right Or wrong? I Dont Know

[wirralbagpuss]

Shit this is killing me. I just dont know what to do. August 20th my Mother died. 5 years this year. I let slip to my Father tonight that i had the day booked off from work. He was furious.  He thinks i am developing a psychosis. I dont think that at all. I just need a day to myself. For fucks sake i've moved on leaps and bound. if anything this Aug 20th will be a milestone where i can say to myself it's been a shitty 5 years but i got through it and i  have moved on, Sure i have a few days in the year when it all comes back to me and i get upset but for the most part i am fine. I have most definetely moved on. And now my Father is objecting to me having the day off work 20th August.. He thinks i am developing a psychosis. I dont think so.  In fact i know i'm not. Jesus it  is tantamount to saying Remeberance day is an act of mass phsycosis as the UK stops for a few  moments to remember the war dead. America even have a national holiday for Veterens Day. Do people suddenly become insane just because they take one day off during a year to rememeber? No !!! Dammit i have tried to explain  to my Father that in my job particularly on what i am doing now, i get people screaming down the phone at me everyday, i've had death threats and even threats of suicide. is he honestly really saying i have to go into work and face that shit on Aug 20th?  I just wanted a day to myself when i can take time out to go to the catherdal, light a candle and  face my grief. What is so wrong in that?  Damn i protect him from so much. Been dreaming of my Mother lately, hearing her voice. Not nice waking up. But do i crack up?, Helll no!. It upsets me yes, but i cope and move on. I know in my heart of heart that once this 5 year anniversary comes and goes i will be fine, and each anniversary after that will be fine too. Becasue i have genuinely moved on. I just wanted one day to myself. My father says my Mother would be angry, but would she be?  The thing is my Father never has to face going into work on Aug 20th. Never had to answer an angry phone call, not like the ones i have to deal with. I cant lie to my Father, but i sure can bend the rules. I will stay in work till 3pm but then i am gone. I just want to be able to go to the cathedral in Liverpool and light a candle. Self induclgence grief? i think not. Feeling sorry for myself? No. If that was the case i would be in tears far more often not just in August and making a big deal of things. Sure i wrote the Space 1999 story, but to be honest it was a good thing to do, i felt i could finally let go. And you iknow i think  my Mother would have enjoyed that story, she would have seen that i was letting go. Why cant my father see the same? he does not know about the story and i dont intend to let him know because again he woulde blow up and not see the point. 

Oh christ i jusrt wish my father could realise i have moved on, yes it bloody hurts, more than i have ever let on to him for christs sake, but by enlarge i cope and have moved on. So am i right or does my father have a point. is he being over protective or am i being given a raw deal? I love my father very  very much, but sometimes he is wrong. 

Normally i would make this kind of LJ entry private/friends only. But i need opinions on this. So all comments welcomed. 

Comments

[spockish-girl.livejournal.com]

I think you totally have the right to take off that day and just remember her and celebrate the time you had with her. I'm not the most religious person out there...but if going to the church and lighting a candle for her is something you want to do, do it. Your father just doesn't want to probably see you hurt. Many, many people don't like to think of their lost loved ones at all.
I think your father just doesn't want you to feel anymore pain and thinks that forgetting is the best way for you. But for many people, it's not. Sometimes you can't forget and don't want too. So...don't. Tell him this is something you have to do, tell him you don't do this to really mourn, you do this to celebrate the time you had with her, that you miss her...you don't want to just forget. She's your mother afterall.

Sorry if I didn't help very much. It's a very difficult subject to talk about or give advice upon, I hope I didn't say the wrong thing.

*hugs* Do what you feel is right.